From One Birthmom to another

A friend posted this on facebook..... and I wanted to share it here too. I had a girl, but it still hits close to home.


Dear Santa,
Today I'll write my list out
It really isn’t much,
Maybe just a phone call,
A picture, letter, or such.

Its only been a month,
Plus a few days more,
Since the day I saw them take,
My baby out the door.

I swore I wouldn't cry,
and for days I didn't dare,
I knew that he understood,
I know he knew I cared.

But this year my list will be different,
No CDs, candles, or clothes,
U only want one thing from you,
And that's to let him know I love him so....

Perhaps this isn't an order,
That you can fill yourself,
So maybe you can ask God,
If he can offer a little help.

After all He sent the angels,
That comfort my little man,
So maybe he could ease my fears,
I've done all I can.

So now I'll close this letter,
With a thank you, and a please,
Send my boy a piece of my heart,
Because this Christmas he won't be with me.

Love Always,
A Birth-Mother

Moving Day

I don't think I have ever moved so much in my life. As a matter of fact I know I havn't. I moved into an apartment Nov of last year with my sister, boyfriend, and good friend.... 4 months later I moved to Florida....6 months later I moved into a different apartment in Florida....a month later I've moved back to Texas....and now I am in the process of moving My dad, his girlfriend, me and my boyfriend into one apartment. GEESH. I HATE MOVING!!!!

Anyways...... Job still driving me nuts...... a familiar face is joining the company, and I am welcoming her with open arms. Maybe she can help us restore order....lmao...not possible but hopeful!

Haven't been talking to the a-mom lately.....

I wish I lived closer to my eldest sister....the freak moved to BFE!!! I kid...you know I kid. I just don't get to see her very often!

Halloween came and passed. I walked around for an hour and a half with 3 EXTREEMELY hyperactive 11 year olds, and a rebelious 13 year old who had fun with me :-P (to her mom lol) Jon stayed home with his mom and watched scary movies and handed out candy to kids.

Next up ..... Thanksgiving..... I don't really want to touch on that subject right now.

COME ON CHRISTMAS!!!!

Update on life.

I am no longer in Tallahassee, Florida. I have moved back to Texas. My dad was diagnosed with cancer, I am here with him. Probably driving him nuts with all the time I am with him in the Hospital. I love him though! A-Mom brought Olivia to see him <3 <3 I am SOOOO Greatful for her for that. These past few weeks have been nothing but a blur of emotion and exhaustion flailing into one big heap of poo.

I am still really stressed out at my job. Looking for another one.....ha....when I have time double HA....

I need a vacation.

080507

Stressed as all hell and wanting to quit. I'm tired of trying......

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr

uhh

Not going to North Carolina.

k bye

5 Days

There are 5 days until we drive to North Carolina. Jon's Dad and Grandmother came and stayed for two whole days, they hung out with Jon while I was working. We did end up getting sea food in Panacea.....when they say WHOLE fish they mean it. (At least they were nice enough to gut and keep the head in the back. It was really good. After that we went to Shell Point beach, (they should get a better name.....) not so many shells. However, we did find about 30 Hermit Crabs that are keeping us company in our bathroom :-) ((YES WE KEPT THEM)) Well, I am very tired and wanting a loooonnnnnngggg nap. So TTFN

Cheryl

twodas efents

Jon's Dad and Grandmother arrived last night. We talked and shared some pictures before heading off to bed. I woke up this morning and went to work. They met me up there for lunch. We ate then they went upstairs to see the museum as I continued working. After that they headed for the Tallahassee Museum/Zoo, and that is where they are currently, while I am waiting at home for them to return so we can go to Dog Island then down to Panacea for some Sea Food. We are planning on driving to North Carolina Next Friday and spending the weekend up there with Olivia, Anne, Paul and possibly Jon's cousin Sean. While up there we may look at some houses. Well....I'm off to keep the dog company until they get here.

Much Love

Cheryl

FIRST VISITOR!!!




Jon's Dad and Grandmother are driving to Florida today!! We are so excited to have our first visitor!!! I better get cleaning!!!

SSDD SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY



I am so fed up with people that don't want to do their jobs. Honestly if you hate it that much then just fucking leave! I hate Tallahassee so much I could punch a wall. This place is so stupid. The only people that we can count on in this business are perople that have come from different states. No one from Florida is dependable. NO ONE. The only people that I have actually liked while interviewing happen to be from out of state. AND NO I didn't know that before. Floridians are friendly tan people that are only there for you in the begining, then they slowly become less and less dependable. I HATE IT.

SCREW FLORIDA I'M GOING TO NORTH CAROLINA.

*^~I HATE FLORIDA~^*

...

Hearing the song I played for Olivia while I was pregnant is heartbreaking.

The End

:-(

OFF!!

Here it is 9:22am, on my day off....and I'm awake. That sucks! LOL. Jon and I were talking about moving again last night, we just can't wait for it to happen! I will probably use today to clean. I hate cleaning. Tonight I'm going running with Kahlua. Well I'm going to lay in bed...I mean Clean :-)

Love ya!

DAY 3

Three days in a row working morning and night shift....it is sooo draining.... See what happens when you are nice? YOU GET TIRED. I can't wait for our first weekend off!!! I do believe we are going CAMPING!!!! :-) :-) :-)

I am very very tired!

All I want is to be in my bed for the next 13 hours. That would be VERY nice.

UPDATE

Olivia is moving to Cary North Carolina in the next two weeks.... SOOO EXCITED! It doesn't look like Disney is going to happen though, with stupid people getting fired and others quitting almost daily. Looks like it is going to be put off...again. We are really trying to save money now that we hear the company is going down rapidly. I'm at work today, Jon said he would finish cleaning the apartment today <3 LOVE HIM!! <3 Its fathers day, and I wish I was at home with my family. But it looks like I'll spend it delivering bags all day and all night. YAY (sarcasm). Well there is a mountain of bags outside my office......so I'm going to hide. (I wish)

happy fathers day dad, I love you.

Rearrange

Jon and I rearranged our office this past week. We can both actually sit in the same room at the same time now!! We have gotten another storm...(thank God) that makes 2 since I've been here! Last night the lightning hit the runway and took a chunk outta it, so flights were delayed and canceled last night. (meaning more work for me) There are bags EVERYWHERE. Not just for me, but for other cities. It will prolly take a day for them to sort all these bags. I'm sending my dads Fathers day present today. I hope he likes it! Jons off today, and I don't like these days. I am always bored and have no one to bug at work. Saturdays are the worst because a girl that works in Delta isn't very talkative. I'll have to wait until 5 when Clayton gets here. I talked to Anne yesterday for about an hour and a half. They have sold their house, and are looking at moving to Richmond VA. (Which means if we move to Jacksonville NC, we would be 4 1/2 hours from them!!!) Right now being at about 19....that is a DRASTIC change! Disney World is getting closer to being a real deal. I talked to Dany yesterday and he said that he is almost there and would give me an answer by the begining of next week!!!

I'm sorry I can't be there for Fathers day. I wish I could be. Love you Dad!

*^~Lil ol' me~^*

Living Situation

I have been wanting to move (FAR FAR AWAY) from Florida, and I was giving a city in North Carolina that I was told by a fellow Birthmom, is a very welcoming city and there is plenty to do there too. I am going to talk to Jon tonight and see what he thinks of the whole thing.

I think I am going to go find something to eat on this hot sunny sunday morning.

Much Love.

Still hate Tallahassee

So instead of going to sleep between 2 and 6....I got to drive all night. As soon as I was done with the 2pm bags there were 6 pm bags and when those were done there were 10 pm bags. SO......grrr. I hate people. I don't see how Tallahassee is a working city, as in, the layout of the roads, their highway system.....I don't know how people live with this shit. There is one freeway that goes through the north part of Tallahassee and that is I-10. There are US hwys....aka....normal streets that go through the city, but they are sooooo packed they shouldn't even have the US in front of their number. Honestly.... Thomasville Rd is a joke. Going 15mph at 3pm is a joke. The speed limit on that road is a joke. In Texas, that speed limit would be 60. Not 45. Orange Ave....that speed limit would also be 60. With the way that people here drive, I'm amazed that you even have to take a drivers test to get your licence honestly. (Texas people...they drive 99% worse then Dallas drivers) As for the gas stations closing at 9....wtf?? Ever heard of people WORKING at night and not always needing gas before 9pm?

Honestly you may think that I bitch and moan all the time about Tallahassee, but I have yet to find one positive thing to say about this place. The people are rude, if you arn't born here you are immediately outcasted. The way the streets are layed out, it is amazing that this place isn't a toll road yet. Having 3 exits off of I-10 is a mistake. Construction on Capital Circle in 10 different places at the same time is dumb, fix one part and move on, it will go faster I promise. These fucking college kids that think they are the best things to happen to this place are sadly mistaken and I can't wait for them to get in the real world and their mommys and daddys are no longer paying for everything and they fail miserabley because they have been sheltered their entire life. But knowing some of the people here, their parents are going to end up buying them houses and babysitting their kids because this generation is to dependant. ((I am in this Generation and I can say whatever I would like about them because I hate people my age without a passion))

TALLAHASSEE GIVE ME A REASON TO LIKE YOU. YOU ARE FAILING MISERABLEY!!

I have a huge headache today. Working....as usual. Today is the work all day, day. So I might ask Jon if he will work tomorrow morning....cause I really don't want to. I finished dads fathers day present today. I like it, I hope he likes my part of it.

I wish I was back in Texas, I can only hate Tallahassee so much. I don't think its possible to hate it anymore.

I'm really tired. I have a 2 & 230 sweep coming up soon, then I am going home and taking a nap until its time to come back for the 6.

I HATE THIS SHIT

HOW CAN SHE ACT LIKE MY MOTHER ONLINE BUT NOT IN PERSON OR ON THE FUCKING PHONE!??!? DAMNIT. I WANT MY MOM BACK.

WHY DOESN'T SHE WANT TO MEET HER GRANDDAUGHTER?!?!?

DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT.

here ya go!

Today was bad....today is a little better. We have a ton of deliveries that no one answered so they are just sitting in my office. I am CRAVING LASAGNA LIKE OMG. It hurts I want it so bad. Jon said maybe for dinner we can go to Carrabbas. The only other "Italian" food here in Tallahassee is the Olive Garden.....and we all know no bueno!!! So I'm stuck with some food to hold me over till we get off work. I'm going to start working on dads fathers day present tonight. I miss him so much. I wish he could come see me.

On my soap box...fair warning

I hate ignorant people. I hate airlines that are stupid and so self involved that they don't care if their company gets pulled into a pit. I will never fly (I'll call them US), and I hope you won't either. They are always rude to anyone that doesn't work for them, they never have anything nice to say. I can't tell you how many calls I get from customers because they are missing their bags....WHEN I HAVN'T RECIEVED THEM YET. After informing them, I ask where they got our number and they say that US gave it to them.... WTF!??!?! DO YOU FUCKING JOB AND STOP MAKING ME DO IT FOR YOU. I DON'T GET PAID TO DO YOUR JOB. PUT THE ADDRESS ON THE BDO, AND LET ME HAVE IT. A PHONE NUMBER IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. IT IS NOT MY JOB TO GET THE ADDRESS FROM THE PASSENGER. THAT WOULD BE YOURS! I am not your answering service so inform your 800 number of that. I recieved a call (today which is the reason for this post) about a lady with a damaged bag and she wanted to talk to someone from US about it. Well their 800 number gave her my number saying that I could help her..>>WTF<< I DON'T GET PAID TO DO YOUR JOB. So I kindly relay the message for the passenger....I walk down to the ticket counter and hand them a sticky note with her name phone number on it. And I was advised that they don't handle damage claims here......WTF!?!?! JUST CALL HER AND TELL HER THAT...I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As long as I have been here....I have nothing positive to say about that airline. And I would rather walk to my destination then get the kind of service that they offer to the people that PAY THEIR BILLS.

I'm sooooo pissed right now. If it was up to me, I wouldn't handle that airline anymore. Nor would I be sad if they went out of business. AND NO ONE FROM THAT COMPANY WOULD EVER BE EMPLOYED BY ME.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note I added a widget to my desk top for Olivias 18th Birthday. :-) LOL... I know its 16+ Years away......I can't help it. I'm pathetic.

Random

"we all need somebody to lean on...."
"I don't cry on the outside anymore.....anymore"
"Dreaming of could-bes and if I'll end up happy..."
"I took a louieville slugger to both headlights slashed a hole in all four tires"
"We all just wanna be big rock stars..."
"I will remember you, will you remember me...."
"You are the wind beneath my wings..."
"God is watching us, God is watching us....from a distance"
"When two become one...."
"Life in plastic, its fantastic...."
"I can only imagine when that day comes...."
"Everybody needs a little time away, I heard her say, from eachother..."
"I get knocked down, then I get up again, you never gonna keep me down...."
"At first I was afraid, I was petrified, thinking I could never live without you by my side..."
"Do you believe in life after love....."
"The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout..."
"Everything you need, you got it..."
"It was made from the feathers of 4 leather geese...."
"Listen to your heart, when he's calling for you....."
"One, your like a dream come true, two, just wanna be with you....."

Sorry about that, those were some songs floating in my head all at the same time, and I felt it necessary to share them with you! Okay thanks!!

"Busy weekend"

And when I say busy, I mean doing abosolutely nothing but working. It really sucks. I wish I could have a weekend off (a 4 day one at that!) GRRRR Just makes me sooooo mad. I want to see Pirates and Shrek 3. Its gonna be like a month before I'm going to be able to see them. I want a weekend a WEEK off. I've only had one weekend off since I have been here and well, I feel like it was rushed, we tried to get everything done so fast because we knew we had to be at work the next day. Don't get me wrong, I loved that weekend......I'm just tired of everyday that I have off feeling like its waisted because I don't have time to relax. I have to get everything done that I can't do while I'm working. Its exhausting.

Well Jon and I bought a car. And got a kitten. (his name is Black Jack for the time being) I'm trying to get his name to be bouncer.

If anyone has any leads for a good job.....lemme know. Thanks

pissy

Fed up. Wishing I had some place to be with someone who gave a damn.

Poem By an A-Parent

Kris Kroeker 2005

dedicated to my child's birthmom

I know you love me
You loved me from the start
I know that you want the best for me
I know this because you made a plan for me
A plan so I would grow up with my mom and dad
A mom and dad you knew would love me as much as you do
I know it tore your heart apart to make this plan for me
I know it hurt when you put me first
I know that you feel the pain of empty arms
I know that my pictures are spread across your walls to try and fill the hole
You need to know that I was hurting too
I felt the loneliness
I felt the emptiness when my new parents held me
When you were gone
When I couldn't hear your familiar voice
I was too little to put it into words, but I cried out for you
I wanted YOU to hold me
I wanted to hear YOUR voice
But it didn't work that way
Life gave me hurt and loneliness
But you knew that your plan was good
And that your love was bigger than the pain
It would have been so easy for you to hold me tight and never let me go
But you were too strong for that
You knew what your love would do
You knew the pain would heal
You knew I needed my mom and dad
And you knew they needed me
You knew I would be loved
And that when love is shared it grows
I know that love
I feel it every day
Every time my mom picks me up and holds me

Every time my dad laughs at some little thing I do
When they wake me up to squeeze me in the morning
And when they put me down in bed for night
I know that I am loved
This is loveYou died inside when you showed your loveYou sacrificed your world for meI will always remember what you gaveYou gave me lifeYou gave me my parentsYou gave me loveThis is love

I'M TIRED OF WRITING ON HERE AND IT WON'T EFFING PUBLISH IT.

Mothers Day 2007

This weekend was nothing short then amazing. I had so much fun. I really don't want to go to work tomorrow.....it isn't going to be fun. I'm almost a lobster, not to bad though, I'm not in pain as of right now.

I miss my family.

Hopeing to sleep the rest of the day away.... :- (

This weekend feels like its going to be hard, prolly not as hard as last year....I'll prolly still cry. I have gotten this weekend off, and Jon is taking me somewhere special. ((LOOVEEEE HIM)) To all of the Birthmoms.....Happy Birthmothers day (Saturday) And all the Moms....Happy Mothers day.

Taking Life one day at a time. And trying to enjoy it throwing Lemons right back in lifes face.

question

I had a dream.......

do you believe "a dream is a wish that will come true"???

This sunday Olivia will be 19 months old. (on mothers day) go figure. I am currently trying to get this weekend off. I have sunday off, but would be nice to have a weekend off all together. I recieved new pictures last night, and she has gotten so big. I hate not living near her. I sent a-mom a mothers day card. I'm not expecting one in return....thats life though.

I found out today a friend from High School is engaged, and i'm not ashamed to admit that I am jealous like crazy. Everyone is moving on with their lives but me. I work all the time, and I don't do anything. I hate my job. I hate where I live, I just wish I could be happy for once.

A fellow blogger suggested the museum here in town and will prolly go check it out tomorrow after work....today I have plans to go to shell point beach and get more sea shells for my bath room. Jon still wants me to get scuba certified. and on that note I am still waiting for him to shave his legs. :-P hey....a deal is a deal.

I have been reading "The Girls Who Went Away" By Ann Fessler. Honestly it has never taken me more then a day to read a book.....and i'm on day 5. It just hits so close to home in certain ways. And I can't read it straight though.

I wish one or both of my sisters could come and visit. And my dad too. I miss them like crazy. If I had enough money I would buy them all tickets out here for a week.

If only....

Jon and I have been discussing the PROS and CONS of living in Florida, and well, so far Texas is winning by a LANDSLIDE.

Tallahassee....
No friends
No Family
No Rain
Its 93 and its May
EXPENSIVE as WHOA to buy a house

Texas.....
Home
Friends
Family
TO MUCH RAIN
Its a comfy hot
actually decent prices on houseing
Did I mention its HOME

We were wanting to move up north to the New England area so I can be closer to Olivia, but I don't think I could handle 8 Months of snow, and summer being 70 Degrees in the sun. I'm doing Ok on my diet, I've lost 6lbs in 3 days. I'm still not happy though....

BLAH Tallahassee VIBES...>GO AWAY<

Chaos...is how I spell Life

Well, lots have happend since I last wrote. I've recieved tons of new pictures. Her hair is getting LONG. She turned 18 months last month. I am really really wanting a family right now. To the point where I cry about it. I want to be called Mommy.

I also moved to Tallahassee Florida from Dallas Texas, for work. And I really hate it here. It is WAY to hot and it NEVER rains. We are looking to move back to Texas and buy a house (or three)

I started a new diet yesterday....I had attempted a juice diet...BLAH... DON'T do it! Its gross and to hard.

Well I will write more later, I am currently at work.