Birthday

My birthday came and went, got a call where Olivia "sang" happy birthday to me. Spent a lot of time with my family. Pam is engaged, I was kind of mad, my birthday always ends up being taken over by something. I'm really Jealous too.... she is going to have a baby of her own, and well....I don't :-( I know this is all dumb, but I can't help it. I wish Olivia was here...with me. When I met Jon (my bf) I told him I was pregnant with Olivia (Caroline at the time...was what her name was going to be) and he made me cry, I had already told the A-parents that they would raise her, and he told me he had wanted a little girl all his life.

The "what ifs"

What if I can never have another baby?
What if I never meet her?
What if her a-parents don't tell her about me?
What if she hates me?
What if I die before I ever get to meet her?
What if missing her drives me to my limits?
What if I never stop being depressed?
What if she doesn't want me to be apart of her life?

These things are driving me insane...and she can't even roll over yet. I hate myself everyday, I hate her not being within arms distance. I hate that I've never met her. I hate that she doesn't know I love her. I hate that I long to hold her every night, and know that it isn't possible. I hate seeing babies everywhere. I hate that they are happy, and I'm so far into a hole....I don't want to get out. I hate that no one around me cares. I hate that people think I'm ok. I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of not being a Mom. I just want her. I just want to be happy.

Happiness hates me... I don't blame it....I hate me too

I really don't know where to begin....so I'm guessing I will start when I told my mom.

I was 6 and 1/2 months pregnant, 18 years old....and hateing myself more then anything. Only one person knew aside from myself. And he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. After moving in with my sister, and moving out a month later back in with my mom after I told her, and after she asked my dad for a divorce....I knew I couldn't keep my sweet baby.

The night I told my mom I knew that I would not be able to keep her. I didn't have any support. I couldn't afford it, and didn't want to rely on the government to take care of me and my baby. (though now I know I could have taken care of her myself without the government) That night I found A&P talked to A for about 4 hours, she sent me pictures of her home, her huge Italian family, her cats. I knew her story of her failed adoption after 19 days with the baby, I knew she was a wonderful person. 3 days later they flew from VT to TX to meet me. We spent the day together (them and my mom) The next day I went to work, got out early and called their hotel. A and I went to Chillis ate chips and dip, (P was sick) I had already written the letter. (I'm not good with words...its easier for me to get what I have to say on paper. (thats how I told my mom)) I wrote that I knew they were the parents I was looking for the second I met them...they were warm and gave me a huge hug. (later I found out they didn't even think I was pregnant by just looking at me) They left on Saturday morning monday I had my ultrasound to find the sex of the baby....I wanted them to stay but they couldn't. I emailed A and called P and told them it was a girl...they both cried. I flew out there and spent a little over 2 months with them until I had her. I got to see how they lived as a family as well as how they raised B. I loved it there. I loved them, I didn't want it to end because I knew my time with them would be over. So after a million pints of Ben and Jerrys phish food, 2 hours of labor, they had their baby girl. Olivia. My time had come to leave. I never got to see her, besides the glance of when the doctor handed her to the nurse to be taken out of the room.

I've never had the opportunity to hug her, tell her I love her, and that I'm here for her if she needs ANYTHING. I miss her more then I knew was possible. I wish I had a completely open adoption so I can meet her. I wish she knew as she was growing up that I'm her mom too. I wish my family had given me the strength and encouragement that I could do it, that I could have raised her....before I had relinquished my rights as her Mom. So what I'm 18, I have a heart too. And right now it is broken. Broken Heart and Empty hands....the 5 words describing my title of "birthmom" Its been almost 4 months, and I know I will never stop hurting. My biggest fear of life, I will die before ever telling her I love her in person.

I know it may seem dumb...but I think I've written her at least 30 letters. I hope she will give me the chance to be in her live when she is told who I really am.

I bet anything I won't recieve anything on Birthmothers Day or Mothers Day for that matter.

Theres my story....sorry if it bored you.

my story coming soon

I prolly won't write alot today or tomorrow....I've been typing my story, and I'll post it in here when I'm finished.

Her birthday

I was told I would be invited to her first birthday. If they don't come here first, it will be the first time I see and meet her. But they can always change their minds. Life....nough said

Thanks to the birthmoms

I want to thank the birthmoms that I have talked to. You really feel alone, even though you know there are others that have been through everything you have. Feb 13 Olivia will be 4 months old. I remember my labor like it was yesterday...I wanted it to be longer, it ment more time for me to be in the same room as her. She came 2 weeks early....I wish she hadn't. Driving to Albany to be placed in a Hotel for a flight home in the morning....driving away from my daughter, Crying silently as we passed out of the Vermont State line...I was no longer in the same state as my daughter. I look at the stars every night, knowing that she will do the same one day, we will look at the same sky, thousands of miles away from one another.

yesterday

Yesterday I feel, I made progress. I got dressed up for Jon, eventhough I was only picking him up from work, i was excited to feel "pretty" again. I know I'm far from healing, but I was actually able to smile yesterday, and it wasn't fake. Anne promised me a photo everyday, and so far she has kept her word...she's skipped once but I don't blame her, she has two daughters to take care of. I look forward to those pictures. Olivia, I wish you knew how beautiful you are. I can't wait to meet you. I love you.

why

Why can't I get passed being sad? I really want to and its killing me. I hate not being who I use to be. I know this is happening for a reason, I just wish I could see the good in it. I called my friend last night crying, I wanted to be at Church last night. I need God. I know I do. I just don't know how to face the people around me. I know he forgives everyone as long as they walk completely away from their sins, but I feel I have done something morally wrong by giving up Olivia, she was givin to me by God...and I couldn't take care of her. I hate myself for that. I'm sorry Olivia, I love you more then anything in this universe. Please forgive me.