Anti-what?

Descent weekend. Went to a friends house after work today to dance to Miley Cyrus's Hoedown Throwdown, got kidnapped by her friends and went to her batchlorette party.

Had our team building at my boss' house, BBQ and Pool.

All the while hanging out with strangers as well as a few people from work at the B-party as well as the team building with everyone and their significant others, my boss asked me why I was anti-social.

WHOA!!! Wait what?!?!? This blew my mind on the way home after I had been thinking about it for a few hours. I was well I would never say popular in high school but I knew a ton of people and had a bunches of friends and I was never "shy" no where near "Anti-social" 

I believe it has come down to when I allowed myself (the old me, the one that I liked) to die. The person I was from Birth to 17. That Cheryl died after I had and gave up Olivia. Since I have looked for her, worked so hard to get her back....I just can't be that person anymore.  I miss her (Olivia as well as the part of me that died) everyday. What I wouldn't give to have them both back.

Depression has been consuming me for 3 1/2 years. I've been thinking of finally seeing a therapist. Or possibly even the pastor at my new church....though I'm still new and I think it would be really awkward.....in due time I suppose.

I have become more open on who I tell my story to. I think that helps a little. I hate feeling as though I have a secret. It just takes so long to answer "Do you have kids" Yes but No.

Oh well.

I Would love to understand....

The one thing that can calm me down/make me cry/make me happy/not think about anything in the world is Music. I would love to know why. Even what about it that takes me to another world. I feel as though I've been blessed to have this soul-ful connection with music. Don't get me wrong I can't sing to save a life!!! But I try!!! 

I would love to become a good, shoot even a decent dancer!! It looks like so much fun, I am not limber, and I'm always worried about everyone being better at it then me. Stupid competitive self!!! Sheesh!!

Well I suppose I should update on my "mothers day." I went to church. Fought it to the last minute but I went. In the middle of it all the children came in from the nursery and kids church and brought their mom's a rose. GRRRRRR. That ate me alive. I could feel my face burning and the tears building up. I kept looking at my bible sitting in my lap praying I would wait to cry until I reached my car after service was over and I did. Got in my car and let it out. Bawled all the way to my mom's house. She was working, go figure. I left her card hanging on her door. At least my sisters remembered and sent me "Happy Mothers Day" texts. That was sweet of them. Of course Anne sent one too.... although at times I feel as though its mocking me, but I know that isn't the case. She also sent me an email a few days prior about great moms holding their babies...hell it's a lot to read I'll post it here as my next post if I still have it.

Well I am going to attempt to possibly get a work out in before bed....as well as when I get up... wish me luck.

Happy End of Birthmothers Day

For those of you that celebrate it. Happy Birthmothers day. As usual I spent my LOONNNNGGG day working. I guess I did a horrible job at hiding what I truly felt because EVERYONE asked me what was going on. Meh. It is 1052pm and I have not cried yet....a few almost's but not yet. On my way home I called a few people to get my mind off everything and no one answered. Well one called back but it didn't help much.

 I have been contemplating Church tomorrow. I want to go, but I haven't been to church on mothers day since my first mothers day as a birthmom. That has hard/horrible/just painful. New church, a few friends I went to high school with, but a very small church and if I end up crying or getting up I don't know what will go on in my mind or of the others there.

I get so angry it frightens me at times. I wish I could feel peace. I have so much self hatred still there are times I just want to kick concrete or punch a wall. 

3 In One Office?!?

I don't think I've written about this before.....meh if I have. After I transferred back to F.W. I found that one of the guys I work with is a birth father. It blew my mind! After talking about it a few times I learned that guys don't take it the same as girls....which also royally pissed me off. When I ask him if he has received any new pictures of his Daughter he always responds "She isn't my daughter." Seriously? WTF? She is your blood therefore your daughter. Oh well, on with the rest of this post.

On Tuesday a co-worker of mine went around the room asking everyone about their tattoos. Shocked as they were to find out I had two. Well when our daily "BAM" meeting arrived, said co-worker finished the rap up by going around telling everyone how many tatts everyone in the room had. Of course most not knowing me AT ALL, they asked what mine were. "Cross on my hip and my daughters name in a heart on my chest." After knowing everyone in the office for more then a year and knowing no one can keep their mouths shut I was floored when one guy said.. "I didn't know you had a daughter." So the story began that she doesn't live with me, she will turn 4 in October. The next out of his mouth was, I have one of those. WHOA WHAT?!? He told me his story and I was floored. Here there are 3 birthparents in one office and I would have never known if hadn't been asked about my tatts.

It is sad to me how secretive this would is about being a birthparent. The pain, rejection, humiliation that comes along with it. But again it is another man that I have found not a woman and his pain is either hidden very well or not nearly as deep as mine. I can only pray that the rest of the world opens their eyes and learns adoption is better than abortion, but keeping the child is the least painful experience for everyone involved.

Trip To NC.

Possibly going to see Olivia in June!! (Praying and keeping my fingers crosssed!!)

Concern?Conflict?

Jon's best friend growing up, a man he lost touch with for 13 years and recently found again, is adopting. Him and his wife have two children of their own, and when I met him when asked if we had kids, automatic (I don't know or trust you yet) response; No. I've been invited to his Benefit dinner for friends and family to celebrate this "Joyous Occasion" part of me wants to go, the other is screaming at me telling me to tell him my story and open their eyes to "The Dark Side."

I don't know if I should bring it up casually, or just send him a message on facebook with my "cold hearted story."

Do I even have that right to step in? I've only seen the guy twice, once when Jon and him "remet" and the second was he was in our wedding. I don't really talk to the guy. I don't think Jon would say anything to him, but I don't want to over step my boundries by asking if the "Birthmom/firstmom" is going to be apart of this childs life.

This is making my head spin.

A New Leaf?

Last Sunday my husband and I attended a friends church. We come from two very different churches, and yet last Sunday was the first time we have gone together since we've been well, together.

I grew up in a Roman Catholic Church, and my husband a Non Denominational. We visited a Methodist Church that a few friends go to. I may go again on Sunday to see a more "Traditional" service there, they had 3 baptisms and it was not their "Normal" as they said. I have been to a few Baptist Churches and I am comfortable there, but my husband is not. I really want to find a church and become a member. I would love to have a strong relationship with God, as well as a church that we agree on so we could raise our family in.

I don't believe I have ever really accepted God into my life. I don't know. Do you ever really know when you have? I pray, probably not often enough. I wish I knew. I pray that I can have the relationship with God that so many people do, and not a fake one where I say I am a Christian and do not live like one.

I am not fond of others shoving their religion in my face. Nor am I comfortable with asking questions I might have. I didn't think this transition should/would be so difficult.

I want/need God in my life, and I am going to start now.

Bark Bark Bark

The comfort I get from my dog is beyond words in more ways then one. 

Baby Shower Day!

Today is the baby shower of a friend of mine that my sister and I planned. (Well more her than me....but I tried to help!)  I am excited to see some of the people I use to work with in Garland. No one from my store is coming because they are all "busy."

I still have the worlds greatest husband. I came home last night to a clean house!! Geeze I love that man!!

Our lawn guy never showed yesterday. Nor did he email me explaining why. I have to continue the hunt for a new lawn guy which really sucks because I liked him!!! GRRRRR

Well I am off to get dressed pick up last minute party details/presents and head to my sisters house.

Wonderful Husband Award

I would have to say that I have the most wonderful husband in the entire world. Not only has he put up with my emotional roller coaster of a life since before Olivia was born, but he can read me like a book. (Which at times irritates the hell out of me) Last night we went to dinner, came home watched a movie of my choosing, I needed ice cream and he went and got some. Geeze do I love that man! He knows when something is wrong and knows how to fix it.

Switched my schedule around today to help out a coworker whom of which is a giant ass. Already wishing I hadn't.

We are getting a lawn service, and we were to meet at 9am..... it is 9:15. Not looking to good showing up late on the first introduction!!!

Well I have a baby shower tomorrow for a friend/coworker at another location which my wonderful husband has agreed to join me if I would like. (Another 10 points for him!) Next weekend I have a birthday party for a friend of mines son. (First birthday) I might ask him to go with me as well. I was suppose to be in a wedding next Saturday but my second maid of honor (The one having the wedding the day before easter) went psycho bitch and neither of us will/were in each others weddings. (Or lives for that matter) Good riddens. Once she was out of my life a HUGE weight felt like it was lifted off of me. 9 years down the drain and the drama in my life has been cut to the minimum. LOVE IT!!

9:27 I guess he is not coming. GRRR. I liked this guy too. Just checked my email to make sure I gave him the right address. YUP. Time is right. No lawn guy. 

Well I guess I better call him to see what the plan is now.

Prayers and baby dust would be amazing!!

The Married life

As some people look at you funny if you answer yes to the question, "Do you feel differently" I do feel different. In a great way. I have now been married for a month and 3 days and I love it. I love my husband very much, he is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

I have begun resenting my job again. Nothing new really. I can't seem to stop comparing people to my standards of what is right as far as work loads go. I am beating a dead horse at the location I am at, and I would love to move. North Carolina sounds good right? Closer to Olivia, away from these people win win. (Minus leaving my immediate family again)

We have begun the attempt at starting our family, which I feel very odd saying on here... I was not any way prepared on the emotional aspect of it not happening right away. Which of course means all my friends are pregnant now/again. We have just started trying and I already feel like a failure.

I've had dreams where I wake up shaking and crying (Dreams returning from right after I had Olivia) of where we are in the hospital delivering our baby, and the A-rents come in and try to take our baby. I can't even explain how scared I am for delivery of my second child/first into our family. 

My heart is aching today and I wish it would stop. 

Help :-(

Short short short

Getting married in a little over a month. Last minute details being worked on.

New Year

Another year has come and gone. Missing Olivia and my dad so much. New years Resolution, giving up carbonated beverages. Harder then I thought possible.

Fourty something days until my wedding, which I think has triggered missing the ones I love and won't be there with me more are more. My maid of honors wedding is creeping closer too, which adds stress to me... although I'm trying to keep "calm" to keep her at ease, I'm going insane myself.

I have been trying to keep positive this year hoping that faking happiness will finally catch up to me and I may feel on the inside what I've been attempting to show on the outside.

....oh and last new years resolution.... talk to my mom about why I've been pushing her away.

3rd Birthday

Happy 3rd Birthday Olivia Grace. I called your mom so that I could wish you a happy birthday and my phone call was ignored. I love you so much and I am so sorry that I am not there with you. I hope you have a great day sweetheart.

I love you always and forever...

Cheryl

That Time Again

3 Years ago right now I was in labor. Back labor be it as it may. I close my eyes to go to bed to make this night go by faster and all I can see is that hospital room in Rutland. Everyone is happy but me.

I've been bawling my eyes out for the past hour if you want to know the truth. Staying quiet so my fiance can get his much needed rest for work in the morning.

I try little things to try to get my mind off of it. Nothing helps.

NOTHING will ease this pain. I've failed. There I said it. I've failed as a mother. Sadly I can't even relate that word to me.

I will not be seeing Olivia this year and that makes me incredibly upset. I've seen her 3 times in the past 3 years. First on her 1st birthday Second Disney World August of 07 Third October 07. None in 2008. I've said it before and I'll say it again. 2009 HURRY THE HELL UP.

I'm waiting for all of this anger and self hatred to go away, but I'm scared it never will.

I close my eyes and can describe that damn room in very fine detail...the two nurses and doctor, Anne, and Paul, and that damn white board with 9 girl names written on it. The bathroom is at my feet a little to the right. Exit at my feet to the left. Only one on my side is the Teddy bear Jon gave me after I found out I was having a girl. Happ is his name he is in my arms and I am squeezing him for life, hope, and him being the only friend there for me when I needed someone the most.

I remember before that too....At Anne's house eating cheese and crackers when my back started hurting, walking up and down the stairs pacing. Laying on the couch and the floor trying to get comfortable. The ride over to the hospital when we passed Anne's dads house. Getting to the hospital asking if I wanted a wheel chair (I declined) I walked to my room, pausing for a contraction. After being examined I was already 4 1/2 centimeters dilated. I remember Anne and Paul being in there. Them taking turns taking a picture with me while I was in pain clinging to Happ for dear life. I remember thinking where were the people that cared about me? Where was Jon or my Mom?

After all was said and done a nurse helped me into the shower and after that I don't know what happened I remember waking up in a different room that was not on the maternity floor. Visitors came and went. Anne, Paul, Bella (my favorite visitor wearing her Big Sister shirt), Bryden and of course all the nurses that kept pushing on my stomach and giving me pain medication and sleeping pills.

I hate that no one called me back today. No one knows what I am going through (family wise) I am so tired of making Jon deal with me and my emotional outbursts.

Off to take sleeping pills.

I love you more then you can imagine Olivia, I am so sorry I failed you.

Mothers Day 2008

As always the "Happy Mothers Days" just keep rolling in. Its not happy, not for me at least but thats me being bitter.

Went to a movie with my fiance and mother today. Saw Baby Momma.

I don't feel normal today. I can't explain it really. No Happy, sad, depressed or content. I'm just here. It's a REALLY weird feeling.

Still planning for the wedding. One of my best friends is designing our wedding invitations and I can't thank her enough.

Just ready for 2009. Seriously hurry up.

Birthmothers Day 2008

Happy Birthmothers Day to those of you that " celebrate" it.

In a VERY bad mood today. Nothing new for this weekend every year.

Working more on wedding planning.

Tizzy

My heart has been in a bit of a tizzy today. (I don’t know what tizzy means but it is what it feels like) Anyway, An emotional roller coaster basically, I miss my dad so much. We allowed my uncle to go though his things today and I’m really happy at what he decided to keep, except it makes it that much more real that he is gone. His stuff is being sorted though, given away and I’m sure eventually thrown away though I wish I could keep it forever. Seeing my uncle wear the boots that my dad use to wear is what did it for me. I’m glad they are going to his little brother, his birthday brother, but it is so hard. My Uncle Les is who I am talking about the Uncle I asked to walk me down the isle after my dad passed away. I offered him dad’s suits as well. The same suit that he wore to Butch and Linda’s wedding, Pam’s wedding and I’m pretty sure he wore it to my Aunt Sandy’s wedding as well…Just not mine, or Gloria’s or his grandkids. It fits Uncle Les, and he will wear it to my wedding for my dad as he walks me down the isle. I hate the power of emotion and I hate how it can make you feel like you are buried under Mount Everest.

I have had a reoccurring dream lately that I can only pray will turn into reality. That’s all I am going to say on that subject.

Missing someone all the time sucks, and it gets worse when people die and are added to that “Missing You” list in my heart. It is over whelming and I am so emotionally drained it hurts.

Secrets

I hate the secrets that I hold within me. That will soon change.

Dear Olivia,

It has been one month exactly since your Grandpa died. I wish I could explain to you how much he loved you. He was always talking about you, telling the world about you. When he was in the hospital he would tell his nurses about you and that you were coming to see him. When he heard that you were coming he lit up like you couldn't imagine.

I'm so scared without him here. I am not the same.

I miss both of you.....and it won't stop hurting.

I'm so sorry.