Happy End of Birthmothers Day

For those of you that celebrate it. Happy Birthmothers day. As usual I spent my LOONNNNGGG day working. I guess I did a horrible job at hiding what I truly felt because EVERYONE asked me what was going on. Meh. It is 1052pm and I have not cried yet....a few almost's but not yet. On my way home I called a few people to get my mind off everything and no one answered. Well one called back but it didn't help much.

 I have been contemplating Church tomorrow. I want to go, but I haven't been to church on mothers day since my first mothers day as a birthmom. That has hard/horrible/just painful. New church, a few friends I went to high school with, but a very small church and if I end up crying or getting up I don't know what will go on in my mind or of the others there.

I get so angry it frightens me at times. I wish I could feel peace. I have so much self hatred still there are times I just want to kick concrete or punch a wall.