"Fifteen years ago I heard the name birthmom, and then I met my brother. This is Cheryl, she is our birthmom...." -Amom

was what was said when Olivia's candles were lit for her first birthday by the adoptive mom. That was her introducing me to all of the family that I had no met, from all over the country that flew in for Olivia's birthday. I was almost in tears as they handed her to me for a kiss. The A-parents both hugged me while we all sang happy birthday to her.

I won't forget that day. Ever.

"Looking and knowing you, lets me know there are still some amazing people in this world" -Dump

hearing that from him during Olivias party....wow. If you knew this guy....that made me cry.

We Met

Friday October 6th...2006. I met Olivia. My dad my boyfriend and I went up to Vermont for Olivias birthday party...and for me to meet her for the first time. Her birthday is this friday, so a week earlier then was planned originally. She is amazing.

I don't know what to say. I came on here....rather then my "everyone knows about them" blogs... but I'm at a loss for words. If I say what I am honestly thinking......I'm a horrible person....better stick to saying nothing at all

Life though the eyes of me

I have noticed that all my posts are negative.....have you noticed as well? Those of you....well the ONE Person that reads this. Don't get me wrong there are "happy" parts of my life.....but they are scarce and hard to come by.

I cleaned my room today, I'm suppose to be in burleson by now swimming...but I am dreading the Larry. I guess I have to suck it up and run right past him. Lemme explain the Larry. He is the guy that mymom started dateing 2 weeks after the divorce with my dad was filed, and a week after that he moved in....and oh two weeks after that they got married. The first time I met him they took me to Joes Crab Shack, and he sat there and LECTURED me about the decisions I have made in my life....IE Olivia......that makes him an ass in my eyes and well......he hasn't talked to me since. He talks to Jon my bf....like he is his son or something. One day I woke up to him hitting a quarter with a spoon. I got ready for work and stormed out of the house.....slamming the front door cause thats what I"m good at. And he goes to Jon and asks "GREAT WHAT DID I DO NOW??" DUMB ASS. I got to work 3 hours morning that night BTW.

OOk I'm done I'm hungry and wanna swim.

Bye

I need to get myself out of my head!

Honestly, I have never cared what other people think of me....still don't. I know that makes some of my friends mad and well they can shove it. Today after hanging out with 4 people I havn't seen in 2 years...reminded me...I'm still the ugly one. Nothing about me has changed personality wise...but I have gotten even uglier. All my friends have cute pictures all over their house or their myspace....not me....I suck at taking pictures...I don't look good in person and to hell if a camera is going to help me. I wish I was pretty, I wish that I could like who I am....maybe I need to listen to people, and conform into what they want....how they want me to act, what I'm "suppose" to wear....but I love being who I am.....but lately it just isn't good enough for me. When I get ready everyday....I shower...get dressed....and never once look in the mirror. I hate that thing. I started hateing it about 2 years ago after getting in a fight with a friend and them saying.... No one is ever going to marry you, I mean hell just look at you.

I hate life today. I think I may just roll over and pass out.....because good mood....has left me some time ago.

Why is so hard to be happy these days???

Getting suspended from work for two days, makes me realize how happy I could be. (Probably won't make since but...) MY job honestly drags me down, I hate going there, I hate being there and I hate dealing with Shitty people who cant find their luggage and yell and bitch and moan because of course....it was me that decided that you would be the lucky one that lost it that day...how about realizing that if you have 10 minutes for a connection that your bag isn't going to make it, suck it up give me your information and we will have it delivered to you. I dread every day going back, and I don't want to go back tomorrow, it isn't worth it. If you have ever lost your luggage and gave the person a hard time, you are dumb as dirt. End of story, yes it is fustrating I understand that, but the person helping you is only doing that HELPING. Oh, and don't be a dumb ass and pack your keys and medication/breathing machine in a checked bag.....Common since people.....honestly. If you havn't been able to tell, I work at the airport and deal with shit heads all day. Sorry I needed to vent.

October 13, I meet Olivia, on her birthday

The sun comes out for a bit

tests of all kinds lately. My mom eloping to Vegas tomorrow with a guy she has known for two months....the same amont of time that her and my dad have been divorced. I have been officially invited to my daughters first birthday. It will either be in Vermont, or Disney World. Missing her and the wanting to hold her constantly never leaves my mind. I am counting the days until I see her face. She has her first tooth, and she is almost walking (skipping crawling) and loves cats.

I miss being happy

Why

Why do I constantly play song that remind me of Olivia? Why do I torture myself like that? Why doesn't anyone else see how bad I am really hurting? Why do I put myself in these moods? Why can't I move on? Why does it still hurt so bad?

happy birthmothers

Happy Birthmothers day.

heartbroken AGAIN

Tonight my heart was broken again by Jonathan, not itentionally....but the way my mind works not even I can understand. We went to Walmart to get icecream as well as Lubridurm for my tattoo....the one i got on my left breast for Olivia... And walking up to the store, there were two toddlers, I'd say 2ish running ahead of their moms. First off, there were cars around and how stupid do you have to be to allow your child out of your arms reach? Anyways. We go inside and they grab a cart, already I started feeling lonely...and Jon was standing there watching them, I kept thinking to myself grab a cart and lets go. I look up at his face and he is smiling. My heart broke. When I was still pregnant this brings back to when i said he always wanted a girl. I thought to myself all though Walmart, that could have been me. I could be the one with a baby waiting to hear the words "Mommy" but no. I had to go and give up the best thing that has happened to me. I hate myself I wish I didn't but I can't help it honestly. I try, honestly I try to be happy but nothing works for me. NOTHING. I met a guy at work his name is Wes, he is trying to get me further in touch with God. But I can't face God. I can't I don't want to. He gave me this miricle and I gave it away. I hate myself.

still working

Still working....on surviving. I never see my family anymore. Or my friends. The people at work are all I seem to have lately. This sucks

working

I began a new job this past week, and have come to understand why I like it so much, and why I don't mind staying till 4 in the morning only to awake and be back by 815 to start over. I Don't have to think, to be alone with my thoughts. Today I'm sitting here on my day off, alone and it is killing me. No one is here, no one wants to talk , no one wants to go anywhere with me. It sucks me down into the hole again, and I'm sick of feeling like this. I want to be happy again, I want to enjoy being alone, I want this to stop. Its never ending is it? I'm never going to be me again. I'm always going to be broken. I had a dream that I got pregnant and I ran away just so no one would take it from me. I woke up crying. I woke up hateing myself, and wishing I was dead. Six months after I've given birth, I feel the exact same as I did in the begining. Self hatred. Wishing I was dead. Honestly, I wish I was pregnant, I wish I could have a child I can hold, and tell how much I love them, and no longer be alone. I wish I had someone that depends on me.

So tired of being alone

Birthday

My birthday came and went, got a call where Olivia "sang" happy birthday to me. Spent a lot of time with my family. Pam is engaged, I was kind of mad, my birthday always ends up being taken over by something. I'm really Jealous too.... she is going to have a baby of her own, and well....I don't :-( I know this is all dumb, but I can't help it. I wish Olivia was here...with me. When I met Jon (my bf) I told him I was pregnant with Olivia (Caroline at the time...was what her name was going to be) and he made me cry, I had already told the A-parents that they would raise her, and he told me he had wanted a little girl all his life.

The "what ifs"

What if I can never have another baby?
What if I never meet her?
What if her a-parents don't tell her about me?
What if she hates me?
What if I die before I ever get to meet her?
What if missing her drives me to my limits?
What if I never stop being depressed?
What if she doesn't want me to be apart of her life?

These things are driving me insane...and she can't even roll over yet. I hate myself everyday, I hate her not being within arms distance. I hate that I've never met her. I hate that she doesn't know I love her. I hate that I long to hold her every night, and know that it isn't possible. I hate seeing babies everywhere. I hate that they are happy, and I'm so far into a hole....I don't want to get out. I hate that no one around me cares. I hate that people think I'm ok. I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of not being a Mom. I just want her. I just want to be happy.

Happiness hates me... I don't blame it....I hate me too

I really don't know where to begin....so I'm guessing I will start when I told my mom.

I was 6 and 1/2 months pregnant, 18 years old....and hateing myself more then anything. Only one person knew aside from myself. And he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. After moving in with my sister, and moving out a month later back in with my mom after I told her, and after she asked my dad for a divorce....I knew I couldn't keep my sweet baby.

The night I told my mom I knew that I would not be able to keep her. I didn't have any support. I couldn't afford it, and didn't want to rely on the government to take care of me and my baby. (though now I know I could have taken care of her myself without the government) That night I found A&P talked to A for about 4 hours, she sent me pictures of her home, her huge Italian family, her cats. I knew her story of her failed adoption after 19 days with the baby, I knew she was a wonderful person. 3 days later they flew from VT to TX to meet me. We spent the day together (them and my mom) The next day I went to work, got out early and called their hotel. A and I went to Chillis ate chips and dip, (P was sick) I had already written the letter. (I'm not good with words...its easier for me to get what I have to say on paper. (thats how I told my mom)) I wrote that I knew they were the parents I was looking for the second I met them...they were warm and gave me a huge hug. (later I found out they didn't even think I was pregnant by just looking at me) They left on Saturday morning monday I had my ultrasound to find the sex of the baby....I wanted them to stay but they couldn't. I emailed A and called P and told them it was a girl...they both cried. I flew out there and spent a little over 2 months with them until I had her. I got to see how they lived as a family as well as how they raised B. I loved it there. I loved them, I didn't want it to end because I knew my time with them would be over. So after a million pints of Ben and Jerrys phish food, 2 hours of labor, they had their baby girl. Olivia. My time had come to leave. I never got to see her, besides the glance of when the doctor handed her to the nurse to be taken out of the room.

I've never had the opportunity to hug her, tell her I love her, and that I'm here for her if she needs ANYTHING. I miss her more then I knew was possible. I wish I had a completely open adoption so I can meet her. I wish she knew as she was growing up that I'm her mom too. I wish my family had given me the strength and encouragement that I could do it, that I could have raised her....before I had relinquished my rights as her Mom. So what I'm 18, I have a heart too. And right now it is broken. Broken Heart and Empty hands....the 5 words describing my title of "birthmom" Its been almost 4 months, and I know I will never stop hurting. My biggest fear of life, I will die before ever telling her I love her in person.

I know it may seem dumb...but I think I've written her at least 30 letters. I hope she will give me the chance to be in her live when she is told who I really am.

I bet anything I won't recieve anything on Birthmothers Day or Mothers Day for that matter.

Theres my story....sorry if it bored you.

my story coming soon

I prolly won't write alot today or tomorrow....I've been typing my story, and I'll post it in here when I'm finished.

Her birthday

I was told I would be invited to her first birthday. If they don't come here first, it will be the first time I see and meet her. But they can always change their minds. Life....nough said

Thanks to the birthmoms

I want to thank the birthmoms that I have talked to. You really feel alone, even though you know there are others that have been through everything you have. Feb 13 Olivia will be 4 months old. I remember my labor like it was yesterday...I wanted it to be longer, it ment more time for me to be in the same room as her. She came 2 weeks early....I wish she hadn't. Driving to Albany to be placed in a Hotel for a flight home in the morning....driving away from my daughter, Crying silently as we passed out of the Vermont State line...I was no longer in the same state as my daughter. I look at the stars every night, knowing that she will do the same one day, we will look at the same sky, thousands of miles away from one another.

yesterday

Yesterday I feel, I made progress. I got dressed up for Jon, eventhough I was only picking him up from work, i was excited to feel "pretty" again. I know I'm far from healing, but I was actually able to smile yesterday, and it wasn't fake. Anne promised me a photo everyday, and so far she has kept her word...she's skipped once but I don't blame her, she has two daughters to take care of. I look forward to those pictures. Olivia, I wish you knew how beautiful you are. I can't wait to meet you. I love you.

why

Why can't I get passed being sad? I really want to and its killing me. I hate not being who I use to be. I know this is happening for a reason, I just wish I could see the good in it. I called my friend last night crying, I wanted to be at Church last night. I need God. I know I do. I just don't know how to face the people around me. I know he forgives everyone as long as they walk completely away from their sins, but I feel I have done something morally wrong by giving up Olivia, she was givin to me by God...and I couldn't take care of her. I hate myself for that. I'm sorry Olivia, I love you more then anything in this universe. Please forgive me.

She got her ears pierced. Wish I could have been there. Saw a picture of her holding her head up....evidently she's been doing that since birth :-/ glad I knew that... :-( Oh well. I really don't have much to say tonight.

Me?

Is it completely horrible for me to want attention? For something to be about me for a change? Will I ever get what I want? I wish I was happy again. I wish I had friends (other then Stacy) that would actually care about me, and know that I'm hurting. We lost our basketball game yesterday 24-25, it was a good game. Practice tomorrow. I'm making the girls shirts. I've finished theirs actually, now I'm working on my sisters and her friends. I found out why one girl on my team is my favorite. She reminds me of me, and I hope Olivia will grow up to be just like her. I miss working, kinda....at times I hate it. I wish I could coach, all the time. Maybe I should be a PE coach....but it would have to be JR high. I don't think I could think of things to do with Elementary kids....5-6 grade is easy...but not younger. I wish Jon was off. I'm afraid he is getting tired of me :-/ I don't know what to do. Life is hard, and is not on my side lately.

This is what I'm REALLY thinking/feeling

I hate hiding. Honestly I wish I could tell the entire world. I miss Vermont, I miss my baby. I'm tired of putting on a fake smile and saying "I'm really ok" NEWS FLASH!!! I'M NOT!!!!!!! Nothing can fix my pain NOTHING. I want to meet Olivia so bad its killing me. I eat when I don't want to think about her. I want to work out, I want to be me again, but I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to turn 19 until I meet her. I want to tell her I love her. I HATE THIS. I'm tired, of everything. I want my own apartment. hell I want my own house. I want to be alone. I don't deserve love. I expecially don't deserve Jon. I can't believe I gave away the only good part of me. I hate myself