Anti-what?

Descent weekend. Went to a friends house after work today to dance to Miley Cyrus's Hoedown Throwdown, got kidnapped by her friends and went to her batchlorette party.

Had our team building at my boss' house, BBQ and Pool.

All the while hanging out with strangers as well as a few people from work at the B-party as well as the team building with everyone and their significant others, my boss asked me why I was anti-social.

WHOA!!! Wait what?!?!? This blew my mind on the way home after I had been thinking about it for a few hours. I was well I would never say popular in high school but I knew a ton of people and had a bunches of friends and I was never "shy" no where near "Anti-social" 

I believe it has come down to when I allowed myself (the old me, the one that I liked) to die. The person I was from Birth to 17. That Cheryl died after I had and gave up Olivia. Since I have looked for her, worked so hard to get her back....I just can't be that person anymore.  I miss her (Olivia as well as the part of me that died) everyday. What I wouldn't give to have them both back.

Depression has been consuming me for 3 1/2 years. I've been thinking of finally seeing a therapist. Or possibly even the pastor at my new church....though I'm still new and I think it would be really awkward.....in due time I suppose.

I have become more open on who I tell my story to. I think that helps a little. I hate feeling as though I have a secret. It just takes so long to answer "Do you have kids" Yes but No.

Oh well.

I Would love to understand....

The one thing that can calm me down/make me cry/make me happy/not think about anything in the world is Music. I would love to know why. Even what about it that takes me to another world. I feel as though I've been blessed to have this soul-ful connection with music. Don't get me wrong I can't sing to save a life!!! But I try!!! 

I would love to become a good, shoot even a decent dancer!! It looks like so much fun, I am not limber, and I'm always worried about everyone being better at it then me. Stupid competitive self!!! Sheesh!!

Well I suppose I should update on my "mothers day." I went to church. Fought it to the last minute but I went. In the middle of it all the children came in from the nursery and kids church and brought their mom's a rose. GRRRRRR. That ate me alive. I could feel my face burning and the tears building up. I kept looking at my bible sitting in my lap praying I would wait to cry until I reached my car after service was over and I did. Got in my car and let it out. Bawled all the way to my mom's house. She was working, go figure. I left her card hanging on her door. At least my sisters remembered and sent me "Happy Mothers Day" texts. That was sweet of them. Of course Anne sent one too.... although at times I feel as though its mocking me, but I know that isn't the case. She also sent me an email a few days prior about great moms holding their babies...hell it's a lot to read I'll post it here as my next post if I still have it.

Well I am going to attempt to possibly get a work out in before bed....as well as when I get up... wish me luck.

Happy End of Birthmothers Day

For those of you that celebrate it. Happy Birthmothers day. As usual I spent my LOONNNNGGG day working. I guess I did a horrible job at hiding what I truly felt because EVERYONE asked me what was going on. Meh. It is 1052pm and I have not cried yet....a few almost's but not yet. On my way home I called a few people to get my mind off everything and no one answered. Well one called back but it didn't help much.

 I have been contemplating Church tomorrow. I want to go, but I haven't been to church on mothers day since my first mothers day as a birthmom. That has hard/horrible/just painful. New church, a few friends I went to high school with, but a very small church and if I end up crying or getting up I don't know what will go on in my mind or of the others there.

I get so angry it frightens me at times. I wish I could feel peace. I have so much self hatred still there are times I just want to kick concrete or punch a wall. 

3 In One Office?!?

I don't think I've written about this before.....meh if I have. After I transferred back to F.W. I found that one of the guys I work with is a birth father. It blew my mind! After talking about it a few times I learned that guys don't take it the same as girls....which also royally pissed me off. When I ask him if he has received any new pictures of his Daughter he always responds "She isn't my daughter." Seriously? WTF? She is your blood therefore your daughter. Oh well, on with the rest of this post.

On Tuesday a co-worker of mine went around the room asking everyone about their tattoos. Shocked as they were to find out I had two. Well when our daily "BAM" meeting arrived, said co-worker finished the rap up by going around telling everyone how many tatts everyone in the room had. Of course most not knowing me AT ALL, they asked what mine were. "Cross on my hip and my daughters name in a heart on my chest." After knowing everyone in the office for more then a year and knowing no one can keep their mouths shut I was floored when one guy said.. "I didn't know you had a daughter." So the story began that she doesn't live with me, she will turn 4 in October. The next out of his mouth was, I have one of those. WHOA WHAT?!? He told me his story and I was floored. Here there are 3 birthparents in one office and I would have never known if hadn't been asked about my tatts.

It is sad to me how secretive this would is about being a birthparent. The pain, rejection, humiliation that comes along with it. But again it is another man that I have found not a woman and his pain is either hidden very well or not nearly as deep as mine. I can only pray that the rest of the world opens their eyes and learns adoption is better than abortion, but keeping the child is the least painful experience for everyone involved.

Trip To NC.

Possibly going to see Olivia in June!! (Praying and keeping my fingers crosssed!!)