Thursday, February 02, 2006
why
Why can't I get passed being sad? I really want to and its killing me. I hate not being who I use to be. I know this is happening for a reason, I just wish I could see the good in it. I called my friend last night crying, I wanted to be at Church last night. I need God. I know I do. I just don't know how to face the people around me. I know he forgives everyone as long as they walk completely away from their sins, but I feel I have done something morally wrong by giving up Olivia, she was givin to me by God...and I couldn't take care of her. I hate myself for that. I'm sorry Olivia, I love you more then anything in this universe. Please forgive me.
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Are there any birth mom support groups in your area? Or a good therapist who understands adoption loss? If you can either, it might help you a great deal.
You can't get past being sad because you are grieving for the loss of your child - sometimes being sad is the appropriate response. There are many birth moms who have been where you are now. I stuffed all my feelings deep down inside for years instead of dealing with them after I lost me son. I don't recommend that unless you absolutely must to survive. Better though if you can deal with them now.
Give yourself as much time as it takes to cry and feel the sadness. Ultimately, it is the best way. Forgetting or getting over it is probably not possible, but, you have to eventually put this experience in its proper place in your life.
You love your baby, you wanted the best for her, right? She will know that you made your decision based on what you felt was best for her. Most likely she will feel there is nothing to forgive - please know that. I worried that my son would hate me and not want to know me. But he searched for and found me - he knows I did what I felt was best for him.
Cry and be sad as long as you need to, then start doing all you can to become someone your daughter can someday be proud of. As for those around you, none of those around you are perfect beings, we all falter. And yes, we are forgiven.
Writing can help alot. Maybe in a while you can write letters to Olivia too that she can see when she's older. Is contact part of your agreement?
Please do not go through this alone though. Keep writing, try to find a birth mom, group or therapist near you. It makes all the difference in the world to find someone to support you who understands. There are some on-line forums that can help you too -and birth moms who understand what you are going through.
All you are feeling is what we all did too. You are not alone. You can email me privately if you would like too.
Hugs,
Cookie
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