The "what ifs"
What if I can never have another baby?
What if I never meet her?
What if her a-parents don't tell her about me?
What if she hates me?
What if I die before I ever get to meet her?
What if missing her drives me to my limits?
What if I never stop being depressed?
What if she doesn't want me to be apart of her life?
These things are driving me insane...and she can't even roll over yet. I hate myself everyday, I hate her not being within arms distance. I hate that I've never met her. I hate that she doesn't know I love her. I hate that I long to hold her every night, and know that it isn't possible. I hate seeing babies everywhere. I hate that they are happy, and I'm so far into a hole....I don't want to get out. I hate that no one around me cares. I hate that people think I'm ok. I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of not being a Mom. I just want her. I just want to be happy.
Happiness hates me... I don't blame it....I hate me too
2 comments:
we all have those scary thoughts, (especially those of us who've had our adoptions closed.)
Hold on, and take it one day at a time. And, you are mom. You always will be.
((hugs))
i have "what if"'d myself into hysterics over the past 8 years. its an ebb and flow. its part of healing. you've got my thoughts.
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