I really don't know where to begin....so I'm guessing I will start when I told my mom.
I was 6 and 1/2 months pregnant, 18 years old....and hateing myself more then anything. Only one person knew aside from myself. And he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. After moving in with my sister, and moving out a month later back in with my mom after I told her, and after she asked my dad for a divorce....I knew I couldn't keep my sweet baby.
The night I told my mom I knew that I would not be able to keep her. I didn't have any support. I couldn't afford it, and didn't want to rely on the government to take care of me and my baby. (though now I know I could have taken care of her myself without the government) That night I found A&P talked to A for about 4 hours, she sent me pictures of her home, her huge Italian family, her cats. I knew her story of her failed adoption after 19 days with the baby, I knew she was a wonderful person. 3 days later they flew from VT to TX to meet me. We spent the day together (them and my mom) The next day I went to work, got out early and called their hotel. A and I went to Chillis ate chips and dip, (P was sick) I had already written the letter. (I'm not good with words...its easier for me to get what I have to say on paper. (thats how I told my mom)) I wrote that I knew they were the parents I was looking for the second I met them...they were warm and gave me a huge hug. (later I found out they didn't even think I was pregnant by just looking at me) They left on Saturday morning monday I had my ultrasound to find the sex of the baby....I wanted them to stay but they couldn't. I emailed A and called P and told them it was a girl...they both cried. I flew out there and spent a little over 2 months with them until I had her. I got to see how they lived as a family as well as how they raised B. I loved it there. I loved them, I didn't want it to end because I knew my time with them would be over. So after a million pints of Ben and Jerrys phish food, 2 hours of labor, they had their baby girl. Olivia. My time had come to leave. I never got to see her, besides the glance of when the doctor handed her to the nurse to be taken out of the room.
I've never had the opportunity to hug her, tell her I love her, and that I'm here for her if she needs ANYTHING. I miss her more then I knew was possible. I wish I had a completely open adoption so I can meet her. I wish she knew as she was growing up that I'm her mom too. I wish my family had given me the strength and encouragement that I could do it, that I could have raised her....before I had relinquished my rights as her Mom. So what I'm 18, I have a heart too. And right now it is broken. Broken Heart and Empty hands....the 5 words describing my title of "birthmom" Its been almost 4 months, and I know I will never stop hurting. My biggest fear of life, I will die before ever telling her I love her in person.
I know it may seem dumb...but I think I've written her at least 30 letters. I hope she will give me the chance to be in her live when she is told who I really am.
I bet anything I won't recieve anything on Birthmothers Day or Mothers Day for that matter.
Theres my story....sorry if it bored you.
7 comments:
It was a wonderful story, filled with love for your baby. Thank you for writing it to tell all of the adoptees, like myself, how very much our mothers cared about us. One day you will find her or she will find you and you can tell her yourself how very much you wished you could have raised her.
Your story didn't bore me at all. It seemed all too familiar - it is the story of many - who realize too late.
Believe that you will get to know her someday! In the meantime, try to do all you can to become someone she can be proud of. It's still so recent for you though - probably need to allow yourself enough time to grieve first.
Seems so cruel to not even let you see her and spend ANY time with her.
When she is of age, there are many ways that you can make yourself easy for her to find. Plus, I would consider a search too. YOu have her aparents names and know where they are now - that should help a great deal.
Not dumb at all - keep those letters for her - they might mean alot to her someday. Do you have any contact with her adoptive parents? Think they might considering allowing some contact? Sheesh seems so cold, you lived with them for 2 months and then poof - nothing.
Keep hoping that she will want you in her life someday!
oh honey, my heart is breaking for you right now. i wish i could somehow help you through this horrible time. I have tears . . .
I am linking your story on my blog, if that's not okay just tell me and I'll take it off.
I'm an adoptee and fierce advocate for first-mothers and adoption reform and your story moves me to tears.
My heart aches for you and Olivia. For you that you drove home with leaking breasts and an empty belly and an empty heart. My sense is that you weren't given counseling that would have helped you explore all your feelings and resources available to you.
Did you name Olivia? Is that the name you chose? You are a precious, precious mother. Birthmothers are treated like queens, often, until the papers are signed and the change-your-mind-time expired, then they're often all but thrown away. Double whammy.
I'm praying for you, dear one. May God hold you in the hollow of His hand as you grieve. Much love your way,
Anne
I'm so sorry that you didn't get to meet her, hold her, touch her, speak to her, smell her. Was that your idea or theirs? I know sometimes we make decisions that we think will protect ourselves and then we regret them. And sometimes we let ourselves be guided by others.
I just found your blog. I can totally understand where you are coming from. I am a birthmother to a 17 year old daughter. It's a lonely world.
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