3rd Birthday

Happy 3rd Birthday Olivia Grace. I called your mom so that I could wish you a happy birthday and my phone call was ignored. I love you so much and I am so sorry that I am not there with you. I hope you have a great day sweetheart.

I love you always and forever...

Cheryl

That Time Again

3 Years ago right now I was in labor. Back labor be it as it may. I close my eyes to go to bed to make this night go by faster and all I can see is that hospital room in Rutland. Everyone is happy but me.

I've been bawling my eyes out for the past hour if you want to know the truth. Staying quiet so my fiance can get his much needed rest for work in the morning.

I try little things to try to get my mind off of it. Nothing helps.

NOTHING will ease this pain. I've failed. There I said it. I've failed as a mother. Sadly I can't even relate that word to me.

I will not be seeing Olivia this year and that makes me incredibly upset. I've seen her 3 times in the past 3 years. First on her 1st birthday Second Disney World August of 07 Third October 07. None in 2008. I've said it before and I'll say it again. 2009 HURRY THE HELL UP.

I'm waiting for all of this anger and self hatred to go away, but I'm scared it never will.

I close my eyes and can describe that damn room in very fine detail...the two nurses and doctor, Anne, and Paul, and that damn white board with 9 girl names written on it. The bathroom is at my feet a little to the right. Exit at my feet to the left. Only one on my side is the Teddy bear Jon gave me after I found out I was having a girl. Happ is his name he is in my arms and I am squeezing him for life, hope, and him being the only friend there for me when I needed someone the most.

I remember before that too....At Anne's house eating cheese and crackers when my back started hurting, walking up and down the stairs pacing. Laying on the couch and the floor trying to get comfortable. The ride over to the hospital when we passed Anne's dads house. Getting to the hospital asking if I wanted a wheel chair (I declined) I walked to my room, pausing for a contraction. After being examined I was already 4 1/2 centimeters dilated. I remember Anne and Paul being in there. Them taking turns taking a picture with me while I was in pain clinging to Happ for dear life. I remember thinking where were the people that cared about me? Where was Jon or my Mom?

After all was said and done a nurse helped me into the shower and after that I don't know what happened I remember waking up in a different room that was not on the maternity floor. Visitors came and went. Anne, Paul, Bella (my favorite visitor wearing her Big Sister shirt), Bryden and of course all the nurses that kept pushing on my stomach and giving me pain medication and sleeping pills.

I hate that no one called me back today. No one knows what I am going through (family wise) I am so tired of making Jon deal with me and my emotional outbursts.

Off to take sleeping pills.

I love you more then you can imagine Olivia, I am so sorry I failed you.

Mothers Day 2008

As always the "Happy Mothers Days" just keep rolling in. Its not happy, not for me at least but thats me being bitter.

Went to a movie with my fiance and mother today. Saw Baby Momma.

I don't feel normal today. I can't explain it really. No Happy, sad, depressed or content. I'm just here. It's a REALLY weird feeling.

Still planning for the wedding. One of my best friends is designing our wedding invitations and I can't thank her enough.

Just ready for 2009. Seriously hurry up.

Birthmothers Day 2008

Happy Birthmothers Day to those of you that " celebrate" it.

In a VERY bad mood today. Nothing new for this weekend every year.

Working more on wedding planning.

Tizzy

My heart has been in a bit of a tizzy today. (I don’t know what tizzy means but it is what it feels like) Anyway, An emotional roller coaster basically, I miss my dad so much. We allowed my uncle to go though his things today and I’m really happy at what he decided to keep, except it makes it that much more real that he is gone. His stuff is being sorted though, given away and I’m sure eventually thrown away though I wish I could keep it forever. Seeing my uncle wear the boots that my dad use to wear is what did it for me. I’m glad they are going to his little brother, his birthday brother, but it is so hard. My Uncle Les is who I am talking about the Uncle I asked to walk me down the isle after my dad passed away. I offered him dad’s suits as well. The same suit that he wore to Butch and Linda’s wedding, Pam’s wedding and I’m pretty sure he wore it to my Aunt Sandy’s wedding as well…Just not mine, or Gloria’s or his grandkids. It fits Uncle Les, and he will wear it to my wedding for my dad as he walks me down the isle. I hate the power of emotion and I hate how it can make you feel like you are buried under Mount Everest.

I have had a reoccurring dream lately that I can only pray will turn into reality. That’s all I am going to say on that subject.

Missing someone all the time sucks, and it gets worse when people die and are added to that “Missing You” list in my heart. It is over whelming and I am so emotionally drained it hurts.

Secrets

I hate the secrets that I hold within me. That will soon change.

Dear Olivia,

It has been one month exactly since your Grandpa died. I wish I could explain to you how much he loved you. He was always talking about you, telling the world about you. When he was in the hospital he would tell his nurses about you and that you were coming to see him. When he heard that you were coming he lit up like you couldn't imagine.

I'm so scared without him here. I am not the same.

I miss both of you.....and it won't stop hurting.

I'm so sorry.

"FUCK YOU" Is not an appropriate greeting on the Telephone at my work.....

So... As I lay here in bed on my day OFF mind you, I get a phone call (from work) asking where my boyfriend is. Since it IS my day OFF they shouldn't be calling me unless its an emergency....which it isn't I had just spoke to him and he was delivering bags that Dany made him.

(Lady I Work with) -hey wheres jon he needs to be here so he can go to the airport, hes missing in action and no one knows where he is.

(Me) -Dany sent him to deliver hotel bags, call him not me.

I hang up....


(Lady I Work With Calls Back)-FUCK YOU
(Lady I Work With Hangs up)

(I call back)
(Lady I Work With Answers)-Don't ever call me again
(Me)- Don't worry I'm calling Dany you won't have to speak to me again.

Seriously people.....I hate my job. I wish I had a place to go. I'd be there a year ago. I need a job BAD

"Happy" New Year

I hope you had a great one. I spent New Years Eve at my fathers bedside as he was making his way to see my grandparents in heaven. He made it to the New Year to celebrate with us, and we lost him shortly after. I lost my dad to cancer at 2:55am on 1-1-08. It has been a really long couple of days. I'm not fine. I miss him like crazy.