working

I began a new job this past week, and have come to understand why I like it so much, and why I don't mind staying till 4 in the morning only to awake and be back by 815 to start over. I Don't have to think, to be alone with my thoughts. Today I'm sitting here on my day off, alone and it is killing me. No one is here, no one wants to talk , no one wants to go anywhere with me. It sucks me down into the hole again, and I'm sick of feeling like this. I want to be happy again, I want to enjoy being alone, I want this to stop. Its never ending is it? I'm never going to be me again. I'm always going to be broken. I had a dream that I got pregnant and I ran away just so no one would take it from me. I woke up crying. I woke up hateing myself, and wishing I was dead. Six months after I've given birth, I feel the exact same as I did in the begining. Self hatred. Wishing I was dead. Honestly, I wish I was pregnant, I wish I could have a child I can hold, and tell how much I love them, and no longer be alone. I wish I had someone that depends on me.

So tired of being alone