She got her ears pierced. Wish I could have been there. Saw a picture of her holding her head up....evidently she's been doing that since birth :-/ glad I knew that... :-( Oh well. I really don't have much to say tonight.

Me?

Is it completely horrible for me to want attention? For something to be about me for a change? Will I ever get what I want? I wish I was happy again. I wish I had friends (other then Stacy) that would actually care about me, and know that I'm hurting. We lost our basketball game yesterday 24-25, it was a good game. Practice tomorrow. I'm making the girls shirts. I've finished theirs actually, now I'm working on my sisters and her friends. I found out why one girl on my team is my favorite. She reminds me of me, and I hope Olivia will grow up to be just like her. I miss working, kinda....at times I hate it. I wish I could coach, all the time. Maybe I should be a PE coach....but it would have to be JR high. I don't think I could think of things to do with Elementary kids....5-6 grade is easy...but not younger. I wish Jon was off. I'm afraid he is getting tired of me :-/ I don't know what to do. Life is hard, and is not on my side lately.

This is what I'm REALLY thinking/feeling

I hate hiding. Honestly I wish I could tell the entire world. I miss Vermont, I miss my baby. I'm tired of putting on a fake smile and saying "I'm really ok" NEWS FLASH!!! I'M NOT!!!!!!! Nothing can fix my pain NOTHING. I want to meet Olivia so bad its killing me. I eat when I don't want to think about her. I want to work out, I want to be me again, but I can't. I don't want to. I don't want to turn 19 until I meet her. I want to tell her I love her. I HATE THIS. I'm tired, of everything. I want my own apartment. hell I want my own house. I want to be alone. I don't deserve love. I expecially don't deserve Jon. I can't believe I gave away the only good part of me. I hate myself