Ugh

I hate feeling like the worlds biggest burden

Forgiveness

For those of you that have been in my shoes... I know there has to be someone of influence, someone you trusted in your darkest hour. Have you been able to forgive them? Is there a part of you that feels like you never will?

Reflective

I often catch myself on days such as today, wondering what my life would be like if Olivia lived with me. I would have a 5 1/2 year old and an (almost) 8 month old. Where would I be right now? Would I have even married Jon? It is a thought that can get me so absorbed that I don't realize how long I've been sitting day dreaming.

I hate being stuck in the past. Some days are harder to come back to the present then others.

Two visits being arranged!

So being Clara and Delia's godparents (Olivia's twin sisters) Jon and I are planning a trip up to Vermont in May for their baptism. Jon and I also discussed taking Alicia to Disney world for her second birthday just as we went with Olivia and her parents for hers. I asked her mom if she would like to come along and she said she liked the idea. So I'll ((Crosses fingers)) get to see Olivia this year and next year. The last time I saw her she was 3.

Jon and I had a spontaneous date night tonight. We are both off on Tuesdays so we asked our sitter to come over at her normal time and we went out to eat and went to watch a movie.

The Dave Ramsey Diet

My husband is obsessed with Dave Ramsey... not in a creepy way... just in a "Lets pay off all of our bills save every penny we have and be financially free with our lives." Don't get me wrong.... I agree to an extent. I do not like shopping, hate it actually... however with this financial diet that we are on, I feel as though I have to ask to spend our money on anything... I mean grocery shopping I feel bad spending money on food. I'm to the point where I want him to go or go with me so I know it is okay to spend our money.

Which brings me to my point. I've been thinking more and more lately about wanting to see a therapist. I've come to a mental block that I can not work out on my own. Part of me is hoping that by blogging I will unlock and master this block that way I won't have to feel like an idiot sitting in a room with a stranger starting my entire story over and re-living aloud the emotional roller coaster of the past 5 1/2 years. I suppose part of me is using money as a way out... not wanting to "ask permission" to spend our money to get me help. I feel as though I re-live my past enough that paying someone to listen will just be so much harder. Hell most of my friends don't even know about Olivia. I suppose you could call them friends, more of an acquaintance I should say, what type of freak keeps something like that from their friends?

After I returned home from the hospital after having Olivia I went into my "checkup" at my doctor, she knew of my "Situation" and prescribed me anti-depressants. Being 18 I took them for three days decided they wouldn't help me and stopped taking them. Part of me now wonders if they could have helped. Would I still be as depressed today as I am now? Sheesh. I hate what if scenarios. They always seem to creep up on me.

Awhile back I received a comment saying I should keep talking to Jon about everything that I think about. I'm so afraid that he is tired of listening and will get tired of hearing the same things because I can't finish everything I need to say without breaking down.

Once again a fluster cuck of a blog entry. sorry.

anxiously awaiting....

I know I have been horrible about writing, I guess I assume no one is reading so I might as well keep it bottled up like I normally do.

Well so much has happened I don't even know where to begin.

Olivia's mom got divorced and remarried... he has a daughter older then Olivia, and they had twins a month and a half after I had Alicia. Olivia's mom asked me and Jon to be their godparents... we graciously accepted and we began planning our journey up to their neck of the woods (New England) for their baptism. Which don't get me wrong the importance of this trip (for me) isn't the twins baptism it is Olivia meeting her baby sister for the first time ever. We are all very anxious for them to meet and I am extremely excited and very nervous to see Olivia. I haven't seen her in over two years now.... She is to the age (5 1/2) where her voice and her opinions are now well known to her entire family. (With my attitude... thats genetic... which amuses me) and those wonderful "WHAT IF'S" come stampeding to the surface once again. What if she doesn't like me? At 3 she didn't have much of an opinion about me all she knew was I was fun to play with. Now she is able to carry on a conversation with me. She doesn't like talking on the phone much. Her mom allows me to talk to her when I call but what we talk about is so short and muffled. She sang me a Hannah Montana song for my birthday (We both Love Miley!)

I'm just not sure where to go from here.... more tomorrow I suppose. To much going on in my head to sort it all out right before bed.