heartbroken AGAIN

Tonight my heart was broken again by Jonathan, not itentionally....but the way my mind works not even I can understand. We went to Walmart to get icecream as well as Lubridurm for my tattoo....the one i got on my left breast for Olivia... And walking up to the store, there were two toddlers, I'd say 2ish running ahead of their moms. First off, there were cars around and how stupid do you have to be to allow your child out of your arms reach? Anyways. We go inside and they grab a cart, already I started feeling lonely...and Jon was standing there watching them, I kept thinking to myself grab a cart and lets go. I look up at his face and he is smiling. My heart broke. When I was still pregnant this brings back to when i said he always wanted a girl. I thought to myself all though Walmart, that could have been me. I could be the one with a baby waiting to hear the words "Mommy" but no. I had to go and give up the best thing that has happened to me. I hate myself I wish I didn't but I can't help it honestly. I try, honestly I try to be happy but nothing works for me. NOTHING. I met a guy at work his name is Wes, he is trying to get me further in touch with God. But I can't face God. I can't I don't want to. He gave me this miricle and I gave it away. I hate myself.