3rd Birthday

Happy 3rd Birthday Olivia Grace. I called your mom so that I could wish you a happy birthday and my phone call was ignored. I love you so much and I am so sorry that I am not there with you. I hope you have a great day sweetheart.

I love you always and forever...

Cheryl

That Time Again

3 Years ago right now I was in labor. Back labor be it as it may. I close my eyes to go to bed to make this night go by faster and all I can see is that hospital room in Rutland. Everyone is happy but me.

I've been bawling my eyes out for the past hour if you want to know the truth. Staying quiet so my fiance can get his much needed rest for work in the morning.

I try little things to try to get my mind off of it. Nothing helps.

NOTHING will ease this pain. I've failed. There I said it. I've failed as a mother. Sadly I can't even relate that word to me.

I will not be seeing Olivia this year and that makes me incredibly upset. I've seen her 3 times in the past 3 years. First on her 1st birthday Second Disney World August of 07 Third October 07. None in 2008. I've said it before and I'll say it again. 2009 HURRY THE HELL UP.

I'm waiting for all of this anger and self hatred to go away, but I'm scared it never will.

I close my eyes and can describe that damn room in very fine detail...the two nurses and doctor, Anne, and Paul, and that damn white board with 9 girl names written on it. The bathroom is at my feet a little to the right. Exit at my feet to the left. Only one on my side is the Teddy bear Jon gave me after I found out I was having a girl. Happ is his name he is in my arms and I am squeezing him for life, hope, and him being the only friend there for me when I needed someone the most.

I remember before that too....At Anne's house eating cheese and crackers when my back started hurting, walking up and down the stairs pacing. Laying on the couch and the floor trying to get comfortable. The ride over to the hospital when we passed Anne's dads house. Getting to the hospital asking if I wanted a wheel chair (I declined) I walked to my room, pausing for a contraction. After being examined I was already 4 1/2 centimeters dilated. I remember Anne and Paul being in there. Them taking turns taking a picture with me while I was in pain clinging to Happ for dear life. I remember thinking where were the people that cared about me? Where was Jon or my Mom?

After all was said and done a nurse helped me into the shower and after that I don't know what happened I remember waking up in a different room that was not on the maternity floor. Visitors came and went. Anne, Paul, Bella (my favorite visitor wearing her Big Sister shirt), Bryden and of course all the nurses that kept pushing on my stomach and giving me pain medication and sleeping pills.

I hate that no one called me back today. No one knows what I am going through (family wise) I am so tired of making Jon deal with me and my emotional outbursts.

Off to take sleeping pills.

I love you more then you can imagine Olivia, I am so sorry I failed you.

Mothers Day 2008

As always the "Happy Mothers Days" just keep rolling in. Its not happy, not for me at least but thats me being bitter.

Went to a movie with my fiance and mother today. Saw Baby Momma.

I don't feel normal today. I can't explain it really. No Happy, sad, depressed or content. I'm just here. It's a REALLY weird feeling.

Still planning for the wedding. One of my best friends is designing our wedding invitations and I can't thank her enough.

Just ready for 2009. Seriously hurry up.

Birthmothers Day 2008

Happy Birthmothers Day to those of you that " celebrate" it.

In a VERY bad mood today. Nothing new for this weekend every year.

Working more on wedding planning.

Tizzy

My heart has been in a bit of a tizzy today. (I don’t know what tizzy means but it is what it feels like) Anyway, An emotional roller coaster basically, I miss my dad so much. We allowed my uncle to go though his things today and I’m really happy at what he decided to keep, except it makes it that much more real that he is gone. His stuff is being sorted though, given away and I’m sure eventually thrown away though I wish I could keep it forever. Seeing my uncle wear the boots that my dad use to wear is what did it for me. I’m glad they are going to his little brother, his birthday brother, but it is so hard. My Uncle Les is who I am talking about the Uncle I asked to walk me down the isle after my dad passed away. I offered him dad’s suits as well. The same suit that he wore to Butch and Linda’s wedding, Pam’s wedding and I’m pretty sure he wore it to my Aunt Sandy’s wedding as well…Just not mine, or Gloria’s or his grandkids. It fits Uncle Les, and he will wear it to my wedding for my dad as he walks me down the isle. I hate the power of emotion and I hate how it can make you feel like you are buried under Mount Everest.

I have had a reoccurring dream lately that I can only pray will turn into reality. That’s all I am going to say on that subject.

Missing someone all the time sucks, and it gets worse when people die and are added to that “Missing You” list in my heart. It is over whelming and I am so emotionally drained it hurts.

Secrets

I hate the secrets that I hold within me. That will soon change.

Dear Olivia,

It has been one month exactly since your Grandpa died. I wish I could explain to you how much he loved you. He was always talking about you, telling the world about you. When he was in the hospital he would tell his nurses about you and that you were coming to see him. When he heard that you were coming he lit up like you couldn't imagine.

I'm so scared without him here. I am not the same.

I miss both of you.....and it won't stop hurting.

I'm so sorry.

"FUCK YOU" Is not an appropriate greeting on the Telephone at my work.....

So... As I lay here in bed on my day OFF mind you, I get a phone call (from work) asking where my boyfriend is. Since it IS my day OFF they shouldn't be calling me unless its an emergency....which it isn't I had just spoke to him and he was delivering bags that Dany made him.

(Lady I Work with) -hey wheres jon he needs to be here so he can go to the airport, hes missing in action and no one knows where he is.

(Me) -Dany sent him to deliver hotel bags, call him not me.

I hang up....


(Lady I Work With Calls Back)-FUCK YOU
(Lady I Work With Hangs up)

(I call back)
(Lady I Work With Answers)-Don't ever call me again
(Me)- Don't worry I'm calling Dany you won't have to speak to me again.

Seriously people.....I hate my job. I wish I had a place to go. I'd be there a year ago. I need a job BAD

"Happy" New Year

I hope you had a great one. I spent New Years Eve at my fathers bedside as he was making his way to see my grandparents in heaven. He made it to the New Year to celebrate with us, and we lost him shortly after. I lost my dad to cancer at 2:55am on 1-1-08. It has been a really long couple of days. I'm not fine. I miss him like crazy.

From One Birthmom to another

A friend posted this on facebook..... and I wanted to share it here too. I had a girl, but it still hits close to home.


Dear Santa,
Today I'll write my list out
It really isn’t much,
Maybe just a phone call,
A picture, letter, or such.

Its only been a month,
Plus a few days more,
Since the day I saw them take,
My baby out the door.

I swore I wouldn't cry,
and for days I didn't dare,
I knew that he understood,
I know he knew I cared.

But this year my list will be different,
No CDs, candles, or clothes,
U only want one thing from you,
And that's to let him know I love him so....

Perhaps this isn't an order,
That you can fill yourself,
So maybe you can ask God,
If he can offer a little help.

After all He sent the angels,
That comfort my little man,
So maybe he could ease my fears,
I've done all I can.

So now I'll close this letter,
With a thank you, and a please,
Send my boy a piece of my heart,
Because this Christmas he won't be with me.

Love Always,
A Birth-Mother

Moving Day

I don't think I have ever moved so much in my life. As a matter of fact I know I havn't. I moved into an apartment Nov of last year with my sister, boyfriend, and good friend.... 4 months later I moved to Florida....6 months later I moved into a different apartment in Florida....a month later I've moved back to Texas....and now I am in the process of moving My dad, his girlfriend, me and my boyfriend into one apartment. GEESH. I HATE MOVING!!!!

Anyways...... Job still driving me nuts...... a familiar face is joining the company, and I am welcoming her with open arms. Maybe she can help us restore order....lmao...not possible but hopeful!

Haven't been talking to the a-mom lately.....

I wish I lived closer to my eldest sister....the freak moved to BFE!!! I kid...you know I kid. I just don't get to see her very often!

Halloween came and passed. I walked around for an hour and a half with 3 EXTREEMELY hyperactive 11 year olds, and a rebelious 13 year old who had fun with me :-P (to her mom lol) Jon stayed home with his mom and watched scary movies and handed out candy to kids.

Next up ..... Thanksgiving..... I don't really want to touch on that subject right now.

COME ON CHRISTMAS!!!!

Update on life.

I am no longer in Tallahassee, Florida. I have moved back to Texas. My dad was diagnosed with cancer, I am here with him. Probably driving him nuts with all the time I am with him in the Hospital. I love him though! A-Mom brought Olivia to see him <3 <3 I am SOOOO Greatful for her for that. These past few weeks have been nothing but a blur of emotion and exhaustion flailing into one big heap of poo.

I am still really stressed out at my job. Looking for another one.....ha....when I have time double HA....

I need a vacation.

080507

Stressed as all hell and wanting to quit. I'm tired of trying......

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr

uhh

Not going to North Carolina.

k bye

5 Days

There are 5 days until we drive to North Carolina. Jon's Dad and Grandmother came and stayed for two whole days, they hung out with Jon while I was working. We did end up getting sea food in Panacea.....when they say WHOLE fish they mean it. (At least they were nice enough to gut and keep the head in the back. It was really good. After that we went to Shell Point beach, (they should get a better name.....) not so many shells. However, we did find about 30 Hermit Crabs that are keeping us company in our bathroom :-) ((YES WE KEPT THEM)) Well, I am very tired and wanting a loooonnnnnngggg nap. So TTFN

Cheryl

twodas efents

Jon's Dad and Grandmother arrived last night. We talked and shared some pictures before heading off to bed. I woke up this morning and went to work. They met me up there for lunch. We ate then they went upstairs to see the museum as I continued working. After that they headed for the Tallahassee Museum/Zoo, and that is where they are currently, while I am waiting at home for them to return so we can go to Dog Island then down to Panacea for some Sea Food. We are planning on driving to North Carolina Next Friday and spending the weekend up there with Olivia, Anne, Paul and possibly Jon's cousin Sean. While up there we may look at some houses. Well....I'm off to keep the dog company until they get here.

Much Love

Cheryl

FIRST VISITOR!!!




Jon's Dad and Grandmother are driving to Florida today!! We are so excited to have our first visitor!!! I better get cleaning!!!

SSDD SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY



I am so fed up with people that don't want to do their jobs. Honestly if you hate it that much then just fucking leave! I hate Tallahassee so much I could punch a wall. This place is so stupid. The only people that we can count on in this business are perople that have come from different states. No one from Florida is dependable. NO ONE. The only people that I have actually liked while interviewing happen to be from out of state. AND NO I didn't know that before. Floridians are friendly tan people that are only there for you in the begining, then they slowly become less and less dependable. I HATE IT.

SCREW FLORIDA I'M GOING TO NORTH CAROLINA.

*^~I HATE FLORIDA~^*

...

Hearing the song I played for Olivia while I was pregnant is heartbreaking.

The End

:-(

OFF!!

Here it is 9:22am, on my day off....and I'm awake. That sucks! LOL. Jon and I were talking about moving again last night, we just can't wait for it to happen! I will probably use today to clean. I hate cleaning. Tonight I'm going running with Kahlua. Well I'm going to lay in bed...I mean Clean :-)

Love ya!