That Time Again

3 Years ago right now I was in labor. Back labor be it as it may. I close my eyes to go to bed to make this night go by faster and all I can see is that hospital room in Rutland. Everyone is happy but me.

I've been bawling my eyes out for the past hour if you want to know the truth. Staying quiet so my fiance can get his much needed rest for work in the morning.

I try little things to try to get my mind off of it. Nothing helps.

NOTHING will ease this pain. I've failed. There I said it. I've failed as a mother. Sadly I can't even relate that word to me.

I will not be seeing Olivia this year and that makes me incredibly upset. I've seen her 3 times in the past 3 years. First on her 1st birthday Second Disney World August of 07 Third October 07. None in 2008. I've said it before and I'll say it again. 2009 HURRY THE HELL UP.

I'm waiting for all of this anger and self hatred to go away, but I'm scared it never will.

I close my eyes and can describe that damn room in very fine detail...the two nurses and doctor, Anne, and Paul, and that damn white board with 9 girl names written on it. The bathroom is at my feet a little to the right. Exit at my feet to the left. Only one on my side is the Teddy bear Jon gave me after I found out I was having a girl. Happ is his name he is in my arms and I am squeezing him for life, hope, and him being the only friend there for me when I needed someone the most.

I remember before that too....At Anne's house eating cheese and crackers when my back started hurting, walking up and down the stairs pacing. Laying on the couch and the floor trying to get comfortable. The ride over to the hospital when we passed Anne's dads house. Getting to the hospital asking if I wanted a wheel chair (I declined) I walked to my room, pausing for a contraction. After being examined I was already 4 1/2 centimeters dilated. I remember Anne and Paul being in there. Them taking turns taking a picture with me while I was in pain clinging to Happ for dear life. I remember thinking where were the people that cared about me? Where was Jon or my Mom?

After all was said and done a nurse helped me into the shower and after that I don't know what happened I remember waking up in a different room that was not on the maternity floor. Visitors came and went. Anne, Paul, Bella (my favorite visitor wearing her Big Sister shirt), Bryden and of course all the nurses that kept pushing on my stomach and giving me pain medication and sleeping pills.

I hate that no one called me back today. No one knows what I am going through (family wise) I am so tired of making Jon deal with me and my emotional outbursts.

Off to take sleeping pills.

I love you more then you can imagine Olivia, I am so sorry I failed you.