Ugh

I hate feeling like the worlds biggest burden

Forgiveness

For those of you that have been in my shoes... I know there has to be someone of influence, someone you trusted in your darkest hour. Have you been able to forgive them? Is there a part of you that feels like you never will?

Reflective

I often catch myself on days such as today, wondering what my life would be like if Olivia lived with me. I would have a 5 1/2 year old and an (almost) 8 month old. Where would I be right now? Would I have even married Jon? It is a thought that can get me so absorbed that I don't realize how long I've been sitting day dreaming.

I hate being stuck in the past. Some days are harder to come back to the present then others.

Two visits being arranged!

So being Clara and Delia's godparents (Olivia's twin sisters) Jon and I are planning a trip up to Vermont in May for their baptism. Jon and I also discussed taking Alicia to Disney world for her second birthday just as we went with Olivia and her parents for hers. I asked her mom if she would like to come along and she said she liked the idea. So I'll ((Crosses fingers)) get to see Olivia this year and next year. The last time I saw her she was 3.

Jon and I had a spontaneous date night tonight. We are both off on Tuesdays so we asked our sitter to come over at her normal time and we went out to eat and went to watch a movie.

The Dave Ramsey Diet

My husband is obsessed with Dave Ramsey... not in a creepy way... just in a "Lets pay off all of our bills save every penny we have and be financially free with our lives." Don't get me wrong.... I agree to an extent. I do not like shopping, hate it actually... however with this financial diet that we are on, I feel as though I have to ask to spend our money on anything... I mean grocery shopping I feel bad spending money on food. I'm to the point where I want him to go or go with me so I know it is okay to spend our money.

Which brings me to my point. I've been thinking more and more lately about wanting to see a therapist. I've come to a mental block that I can not work out on my own. Part of me is hoping that by blogging I will unlock and master this block that way I won't have to feel like an idiot sitting in a room with a stranger starting my entire story over and re-living aloud the emotional roller coaster of the past 5 1/2 years. I suppose part of me is using money as a way out... not wanting to "ask permission" to spend our money to get me help. I feel as though I re-live my past enough that paying someone to listen will just be so much harder. Hell most of my friends don't even know about Olivia. I suppose you could call them friends, more of an acquaintance I should say, what type of freak keeps something like that from their friends?

After I returned home from the hospital after having Olivia I went into my "checkup" at my doctor, she knew of my "Situation" and prescribed me anti-depressants. Being 18 I took them for three days decided they wouldn't help me and stopped taking them. Part of me now wonders if they could have helped. Would I still be as depressed today as I am now? Sheesh. I hate what if scenarios. They always seem to creep up on me.

Awhile back I received a comment saying I should keep talking to Jon about everything that I think about. I'm so afraid that he is tired of listening and will get tired of hearing the same things because I can't finish everything I need to say without breaking down.

Once again a fluster cuck of a blog entry. sorry.

anxiously awaiting....

I know I have been horrible about writing, I guess I assume no one is reading so I might as well keep it bottled up like I normally do.

Well so much has happened I don't even know where to begin.

Olivia's mom got divorced and remarried... he has a daughter older then Olivia, and they had twins a month and a half after I had Alicia. Olivia's mom asked me and Jon to be their godparents... we graciously accepted and we began planning our journey up to their neck of the woods (New England) for their baptism. Which don't get me wrong the importance of this trip (for me) isn't the twins baptism it is Olivia meeting her baby sister for the first time ever. We are all very anxious for them to meet and I am extremely excited and very nervous to see Olivia. I haven't seen her in over two years now.... She is to the age (5 1/2) where her voice and her opinions are now well known to her entire family. (With my attitude... thats genetic... which amuses me) and those wonderful "WHAT IF'S" come stampeding to the surface once again. What if she doesn't like me? At 3 she didn't have much of an opinion about me all she knew was I was fun to play with. Now she is able to carry on a conversation with me. She doesn't like talking on the phone much. Her mom allows me to talk to her when I call but what we talk about is so short and muffled. She sang me a Hannah Montana song for my birthday (We both Love Miley!)

I'm just not sure where to go from here.... more tomorrow I suppose. To much going on in my head to sort it all out right before bed.

it's the little things

Alicia was born on July 15, 2010 at 1:21am. She was 7 lbs 8 ounces.
She is now 11 weeks old. I would be returning to work at the place I left, however with the amount they pay plus gas and childcare I would break even if not pay to work there. I have found a job that I can work the wee hours in the morning and come home in time for Jon to leave working part time that will work for now needing no childcare.

Stressed

When it rains, it pours.

My job is kicking my ass mentally. I hate being there. I love the job, I just can't bare to be around the people in the office. Interviewing for another job at work, not by choice, for a pay cut and a demotion.

My sister is getting married to a guy that is verbally abusive, and a complete jack ass. She doesn't see it :( I feel like a bad sister for hating him so much. I don't trust him. He won't see my daughter.

11 weeks until Miss. Alicia Shayne gets here. We are very excited. I wish she were here already so I could work out or run to get some of this pent up stress out. It's eating away at me, I can feel it. I wish I could get rid of it easily. There's only so much you can do 7 months pregnant. Maternity leave can't get here fast enough.

New Years Eve 2009

This evening is New Years Eve. I received and email update from my Grandfather from my mom.

Got bad news about Dad. When we went to the oncologist yesterday we told him that we needed to know what to expect and what the prognosis was. He said that Dad was in phase 4 and was not curable. He said that what they were doing was extending life. The doctor didn't give us a guess at how long and we didn't ask because everyone is different. So he is going ahead with all the treatments and we'll just have to deal with what lies ahead. He still has almost two more weeks of radiation and then the middle of January they will start chemo. On Jan 4th they will be inserting what they call a port in his chest so that when he gets the chemo they won't have to stick him with a needle each time. He is using oxygen all the time he is home and is using a cane to help with his balance. He has lost almost all of his hair so when you see him, he will be different from the last visit.

Well I came up with the idea of flying Olivia and her mom from Vermont to Phoenix so Olivia could meet my Grandfather before it was to late. I talked to Anne about it, but Olivia starts Pre-School on the 4th and won't be able to go see him. I'm very upset about it and I can only hope she gets a break and is able to go before something happens. to him.

Other then being in a bad mood, This year has been full of blessings. I married the love of my life. We both got promoted and raises. We have a great house and are very blessed. We are currently 3 months pregnant, and I'm due July 14th... which happens to be my dad's birthday and for now, two days after my oldest sister Pamela is due as well.

I can only pray that 2010 brings us many blessings, we are looking forward to the birth of this baby to expand our family.

I found God Tonight

I found God

on the corner of my wet pillow Sobbing silently

Where the seconds crawled to a stop

Not alone, yet the only one awake in the room

where I pray for his blessing and forgiveness

All I know is that I need his love in my life

I said Why was I hiding 

When all I needed was you

All my days

Dark and alone

I never asked

For you to come

into my life

To help ease my pain

Why should you

What have I done for you

Lost in self hatred

I found you I found you

while lying on my bed

sobbing into my pillow

What took me so long

to find you to find you

It's not to late

For you to be in my life

It's not to late

For you to be my my side

Thank You, Thank you

For waiting patiently 

Surrounded, Surrounded

With your everlasting Grace

Thank You Thank you.

This Came to my head after sobbing into my pillow and I believe finding God, if not finding but reconnecting with God after a very long absence. 

North Carolina

We actually went!! We had so much fun, leaving was shitty as anyone can imagine.

Anti-what?

Descent weekend. Went to a friends house after work today to dance to Miley Cyrus's Hoedown Throwdown, got kidnapped by her friends and went to her batchlorette party.

Had our team building at my boss' house, BBQ and Pool.

All the while hanging out with strangers as well as a few people from work at the B-party as well as the team building with everyone and their significant others, my boss asked me why I was anti-social.

WHOA!!! Wait what?!?!? This blew my mind on the way home after I had been thinking about it for a few hours. I was well I would never say popular in high school but I knew a ton of people and had a bunches of friends and I was never "shy" no where near "Anti-social" 

I believe it has come down to when I allowed myself (the old me, the one that I liked) to die. The person I was from Birth to 17. That Cheryl died after I had and gave up Olivia. Since I have looked for her, worked so hard to get her back....I just can't be that person anymore.  I miss her (Olivia as well as the part of me that died) everyday. What I wouldn't give to have them both back.

Depression has been consuming me for 3 1/2 years. I've been thinking of finally seeing a therapist. Or possibly even the pastor at my new church....though I'm still new and I think it would be really awkward.....in due time I suppose.

I have become more open on who I tell my story to. I think that helps a little. I hate feeling as though I have a secret. It just takes so long to answer "Do you have kids" Yes but No.

Oh well.

I Would love to understand....

The one thing that can calm me down/make me cry/make me happy/not think about anything in the world is Music. I would love to know why. Even what about it that takes me to another world. I feel as though I've been blessed to have this soul-ful connection with music. Don't get me wrong I can't sing to save a life!!! But I try!!! 

I would love to become a good, shoot even a decent dancer!! It looks like so much fun, I am not limber, and I'm always worried about everyone being better at it then me. Stupid competitive self!!! Sheesh!!

Well I suppose I should update on my "mothers day." I went to church. Fought it to the last minute but I went. In the middle of it all the children came in from the nursery and kids church and brought their mom's a rose. GRRRRRR. That ate me alive. I could feel my face burning and the tears building up. I kept looking at my bible sitting in my lap praying I would wait to cry until I reached my car after service was over and I did. Got in my car and let it out. Bawled all the way to my mom's house. She was working, go figure. I left her card hanging on her door. At least my sisters remembered and sent me "Happy Mothers Day" texts. That was sweet of them. Of course Anne sent one too.... although at times I feel as though its mocking me, but I know that isn't the case. She also sent me an email a few days prior about great moms holding their babies...hell it's a lot to read I'll post it here as my next post if I still have it.

Well I am going to attempt to possibly get a work out in before bed....as well as when I get up... wish me luck.

Happy End of Birthmothers Day

For those of you that celebrate it. Happy Birthmothers day. As usual I spent my LOONNNNGGG day working. I guess I did a horrible job at hiding what I truly felt because EVERYONE asked me what was going on. Meh. It is 1052pm and I have not cried yet....a few almost's but not yet. On my way home I called a few people to get my mind off everything and no one answered. Well one called back but it didn't help much.

 I have been contemplating Church tomorrow. I want to go, but I haven't been to church on mothers day since my first mothers day as a birthmom. That has hard/horrible/just painful. New church, a few friends I went to high school with, but a very small church and if I end up crying or getting up I don't know what will go on in my mind or of the others there.

I get so angry it frightens me at times. I wish I could feel peace. I have so much self hatred still there are times I just want to kick concrete or punch a wall. 

3 In One Office?!?

I don't think I've written about this before.....meh if I have. After I transferred back to F.W. I found that one of the guys I work with is a birth father. It blew my mind! After talking about it a few times I learned that guys don't take it the same as girls....which also royally pissed me off. When I ask him if he has received any new pictures of his Daughter he always responds "She isn't my daughter." Seriously? WTF? She is your blood therefore your daughter. Oh well, on with the rest of this post.

On Tuesday a co-worker of mine went around the room asking everyone about their tattoos. Shocked as they were to find out I had two. Well when our daily "BAM" meeting arrived, said co-worker finished the rap up by going around telling everyone how many tatts everyone in the room had. Of course most not knowing me AT ALL, they asked what mine were. "Cross on my hip and my daughters name in a heart on my chest." After knowing everyone in the office for more then a year and knowing no one can keep their mouths shut I was floored when one guy said.. "I didn't know you had a daughter." So the story began that she doesn't live with me, she will turn 4 in October. The next out of his mouth was, I have one of those. WHOA WHAT?!? He told me his story and I was floored. Here there are 3 birthparents in one office and I would have never known if hadn't been asked about my tatts.

It is sad to me how secretive this would is about being a birthparent. The pain, rejection, humiliation that comes along with it. But again it is another man that I have found not a woman and his pain is either hidden very well or not nearly as deep as mine. I can only pray that the rest of the world opens their eyes and learns adoption is better than abortion, but keeping the child is the least painful experience for everyone involved.

Trip To NC.

Possibly going to see Olivia in June!! (Praying and keeping my fingers crosssed!!)

Concern?Conflict?

Jon's best friend growing up, a man he lost touch with for 13 years and recently found again, is adopting. Him and his wife have two children of their own, and when I met him when asked if we had kids, automatic (I don't know or trust you yet) response; No. I've been invited to his Benefit dinner for friends and family to celebrate this "Joyous Occasion" part of me wants to go, the other is screaming at me telling me to tell him my story and open their eyes to "The Dark Side."

I don't know if I should bring it up casually, or just send him a message on facebook with my "cold hearted story."

Do I even have that right to step in? I've only seen the guy twice, once when Jon and him "remet" and the second was he was in our wedding. I don't really talk to the guy. I don't think Jon would say anything to him, but I don't want to over step my boundries by asking if the "Birthmom/firstmom" is going to be apart of this childs life.

This is making my head spin.

A New Leaf?

Last Sunday my husband and I attended a friends church. We come from two very different churches, and yet last Sunday was the first time we have gone together since we've been well, together.

I grew up in a Roman Catholic Church, and my husband a Non Denominational. We visited a Methodist Church that a few friends go to. I may go again on Sunday to see a more "Traditional" service there, they had 3 baptisms and it was not their "Normal" as they said. I have been to a few Baptist Churches and I am comfortable there, but my husband is not. I really want to find a church and become a member. I would love to have a strong relationship with God, as well as a church that we agree on so we could raise our family in.

I don't believe I have ever really accepted God into my life. I don't know. Do you ever really know when you have? I pray, probably not often enough. I wish I knew. I pray that I can have the relationship with God that so many people do, and not a fake one where I say I am a Christian and do not live like one.

I am not fond of others shoving their religion in my face. Nor am I comfortable with asking questions I might have. I didn't think this transition should/would be so difficult.

I want/need God in my life, and I am going to start now.

Bark Bark Bark

The comfort I get from my dog is beyond words in more ways then one. 

Baby Shower Day!

Today is the baby shower of a friend of mine that my sister and I planned. (Well more her than me....but I tried to help!)  I am excited to see some of the people I use to work with in Garland. No one from my store is coming because they are all "busy."

I still have the worlds greatest husband. I came home last night to a clean house!! Geeze I love that man!!

Our lawn guy never showed yesterday. Nor did he email me explaining why. I have to continue the hunt for a new lawn guy which really sucks because I liked him!!! GRRRRR

Well I am off to get dressed pick up last minute party details/presents and head to my sisters house.